Past Demons

I'll be the first to admit that I am not perfect and that I have made mistakes. I've never denied that and never will. I have faced my mistakes and dealt with them the best way that I can and in the end there is only one person that I have to answer to when it is all said and done. So why then is it that people always have to bring them up? Is it so that they feel better about themselves? Does it help them feel better about their mistakes? Or is it their way of forgetting their past mistakes? People can say all that they want to about how or why Andrew and I split up the first time; he and I have dealt with it. Granted, it took us almost 2 years but we're wiser, smarter, and stronger than we were before. In the end, he and I both had a lot of growing up to do. I had to pay for my mistake when he and I got back together and had to live with the guilt for almost a year. Do you know what it's like to be with someone who doesn't even want to touch you? It makes you feel like the smallest, dirtiest thing on earth. I never wish that upon anyone. But he got his payback when he left me after that for "someone else". I knew deep down that he and I were meant for each other, it took him letting me go to figure that out.

My mom told me that I had changed a lot in the last 2 years. I just seemed more grown-up to her. She really couldn't pin point what was different about me, just that I was growing up. I can see how I've changed. My heart has become harder, I'm not as happy-go-lucky as I used to be, and I am my own worst enemy. I hope that no couple has to go thru what Andrew and I did, but I know that will never be the case. I always see these happy couples, but I wonder how they really are behind closed doors. I wonder if the way things are with Andrew and are normal. I love him with all of my heart and couldn't imagine my life without him again. I was miserable. I was always thinking about him and wishing that I was in his arms. But I would also like to think that he and I are stronger as a couple now. I think the only thing that could drive us apart would be his dad…again.

I understand that his dad is really all of the family that he has left, but he has to learn how to think for himself and defending me would be pretty nice too. I really just wanted to stand up to his dad and put him in his place, but I don't know how that would set with Andrew. I just don't take people attacking my family very well at all. I've also never stood up to a grownup before, it can be pretty intimidating! I guess I could just chalk it up to him being a bitter man who thinks that women were put on the earth to serve which, sadly, isn't too far from the truth.

Just needed to get some things off of my chest...

I hate to just have a rant-type post but sometimes it feels so much better by just putting it all out there. Sometimes I stick my nose in places it doesn't belong but I guess I just want to help those around me because I didn't get much help myself growing up. If people take that the wrong way then fine, but don't act like a child about it. I guess my problem is that I care too much and about too many people. If they want to screw their lives up then so be it I suppose. I've been trying to just focus on my life and about the people closest to me, but when I see someone going down the wrong path I want to help them. I guess I just need to say "screw it" and carry on...

Patience...or the lack thereof

Anyone who knows me knows that patience is not my forte. It never has been and probably never will be. I hate waiting for things that I know will happen. I hate having my life in a standstill especially when I see that all of the people around me have things going on in their lives...and then there's Lisa who's been stuck in the same spot in her life for almost 3 years. Yes, I am about to graduate with my MBA but then what? I'll still be living with my parents and working at the same job. Nothing will change. I just hate it...I really, really do! Grr...

Ramblings

I sit here thinking about things...mainly just where my life is heading and where it should have been. I like to watch Teen Mom 2 because I want to know what happens to Leah and Corey's twin girls, especially the one who has some problems (which they didn't really find out much during the season). I finally got to catch the season finale and Leah and Corey got married...so naturally, that gets me to thinking about how I should have already gone through all of that. But, of course, I had to get stupid...but that's a completely different story. I know who I want to be with forever and I know that he wants me for forever too...I just don't know why he won't make it official! It just really bothers me and makes me wonder if he said all of that just to get me back or if he really truly meant it. I know deep down that he meant it but we also have to take time to get to know each other again because a lot had gone on in 3 years and that changes people.

I also got to thinking about my future and how uncertain it is. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't like surprises and I don't like change. I also don't want to be stuck in a rut either. I hate knowing that after I graduate with my MBA that nothing will change with work. No promotion, no raise, nothing. I will have the highest degree in the entire company and nothing will change. There won't even be any help in paying for the CPA Exam fees. I'm just really at a crossroads with all of this and at least I have until the end of December to figure it all out. But, knowing my luck, they'll talk me in to staying at least until February or so...so at least another year. I'm ready to start my career. To start my life! When I look back on my time at the company I currently work for I'll see a lot of good times but I'll also see all of the bad that I had gone through, personally, while I was there.

I just wish I had some answers for things and that I didn't feel so lost.

Cowboy for Life

This past Thursday Andrew and I happened to wind up in Stillwater. I don't know what it is about that place that just brings a since of calm to me. It might be because that's really where my life began. I spent most of my life trying to figure out who I was and who I wasn't. It was hard for me to find my place because I am nothing like those in my family. I had plans and dreams for my life, not just doing the minimum to get by. I knew that I only have one chance at life and that I needed to make the most of it. So, naturally, off I go to college. OSU made me grow up. I had to learn how to function as an adult. I fell in love in Stillwater and then I put that love to the test. I had breakdowns and I got tougher. I discovered friends and then I learned what a true friendship was. I discovered that I wasn't the best at things like I had grown up believing. I came to terms that I was, in a sense, mediocre and I think that I'm ok with that. I wish that I could think of one thing that I excel at and I haven't found that yet. I would like to think that I will excel at being a parent just because I know what not to do and I see what others do that I would do differently.

OSU led me on some great adventures. I pushed myself to the limits and grew as an individual. I met a lot of great people and a few who were not so great. There are some friendships that have lasted and some that haven't or aren't as strong as I would like them to be. I wish I could remember more from my college years but they were all really just a blur, and no, this was not from drinking because I really didn't party much in college. College just flew by and I should have enjoyed it while I was there, but you can't change the past and it isn't good to dwell on it.

Some of my most memorable moments in college are as follows:

• Band practice one day when there was a torrential downpour and we had to stay out and march and were soaked to the bone and made a mad dash when they finally called off practice and we all left huge puddles in the elevators in the dorms.
  
• Laura going ballistic with her alarm and just seeing an orange blur bounce around the room.
  
• Laura freezing my toothpaste because she left the window open.
  
• Laura and her fantastic apple!
  
• Watching "Bill Cosby Himself" after the girls had made dinner for all of our friends.
  
• Braving yet another tsunami of rain my junior year and fighting the raging rapids on the roads trying to get back to my apartment.
  
• Picking Aleithia up and heading over to Stout and sneaking our laundry in so we could wash it there and "study" while watching "Lost" with Carrie.
  
• Thinking that Andrew was breaking up with me when he kicked me out of my apartment just so he could decorate it and send me on a hunt for him when he finally proposed.
  
• Countless Friday nights when I was half drained from working and hanging out with Carrie and Aleithia.
  
• Graduation, even if I didn't get to watch Aleithia walk because I had to high-tail it back to my apartment to get ready to walk for myself!
  
• Movie Extravaganza!!
  

All in all, college was a great experience, I just wish I got to experience more. OSU changed me and help make me into the person that I am today and I suppose I wouldn't change it. I don't remember who said it but they said it correctly about band members: "If you weren't a fan of OSU before joining band, then you will be when you're done." I'll bleed orange until the day I die and God help my children!

So, I really don't have a set topic for tonight...so here's a warning...it's a rambling post.

I've been reading other peoples posts and they all seem very thoughtful or have some sort of insight...not gonna lie...it made me feel kinda stupid about my own blog. I guess it's because there's really not anything going on in my life of any interest. I'm in my second to last class for grad school...so that's pretty exciting. We somehow made it through year-end at work. Andrew and I are still kind of in the same place that we were before, only this time it is a lot better. I still wish that we could just pick up where we left off 3 years ago but I know that it is not possible. We've been remodeling the bathroom and it is almost done though! All that is left is to finish up the trim and fix a little bit of grout on the bathroom floor...so that's pretty exciting too!

Monica posted a book review type thing the other day and I thought that it might be something I could do too...only I don't really read a lot of books anymore. So I started thinking, "What do I do a lot of?" The answer to that is cooking! Granted, I don't come up with my own recipes but I'm always looking for something new instead of eating the same ol' thing. I even started playing around with fondant cakes and have so far only made one and it was really cute! So, okay, here is my famous macaroni and cheese recipe via The Food Network:

Macaroni and Cheese

Recipe courtesy Giada De Laurentiis

Cook Time: 25 min

Level: Easy

Yield: 6 servings

Times:

Prep
10 min
Inactive Prep
10 min
Cook
25 min
Total:
45 min

Ingredients

* Butter, for greasing dish
* 12 ounces wide egg noodles
* 2 cups heavy cream
* 2 1/2 cups whole milk
* 2 teaspoons all-purpose flour
* 1/2 teaspoon salt, plus more for pasta water
* 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
* 2 cups (packed) grated Fontina
* 3/4 cup (packed) finely grated Parmesan
* 3/4 cup (packed) grated mozzarella
* 4 ounces cooked ham, diced, optional
* 2 tablespoons finely chopped fresh Italian parsley leaves

Directions

Preheat the oven to 450 degrees F.

Butter a 13 by 9-inch glass baking dish and set aside. Cook the noodles in a large pot of boiling salted water until tender but still firm to bite, stirring frequently, about 5 minutes. Drain well, but do not rinse.

Whisk the cream, milk, flour, 1/2 teaspoon salt, and pepper in large bowl to blend. Stir in 1 cup Fontina, 1/2 cup Parmesan, 1/2 cup mozzarella, ham, if using, and parsley. Add the noodles and toss to coat. Transfer the noodle mixture to the prepared baking dish. Toss the remaining 1 cup Fontina, 1/4 cup Parmesan, and 1/4 cup mozzarella in a small bowl to blend. Sprinkle the cheese mixture over the noodle mixture. Bake until the sauce bubbles and the cheese melts and begins to brown on top, about 20 minutes. Let stand for 10 minutes before serving.

*Alert* Ranting Ahead

Some things have really been bothering me lately. My job is a constant stress here lately, things aren't going exactly my way in my personal life, and I still hate paying my student loans every month. Some of these I have to deal with, mainly my student loans, they aren't going away any time soon. My personal life is also something that I just have to deal with. I can't really change it so I'm just stuck for now but I think that change will be coming soon. Work has just been horrible. I think we finally got year-end closed and that would normally mean a lot of great things for me...like I wouldn't be stressed...but then the AP girl decided to take a different job. So now that means that I get to help train the new girl (who has no experience but a lot of potential) after the current AP girl leaves. Fun! I don't think they realize how much extra stress they have added to my life because apparently getting your masters isn't enough. I've said many things to my boss and he doesn't seem to care, probably because he's under the same stress...just like everyone else. Oh well...I guess I just have hope that it will all get better some day. Until then I can just pretend that I'm here: