One Night...

I really hate/love looking through old pictures. I love them because they remind me of all of the things that I have done or gone through that I may have otherwise forgotten about. They also remind me of all of the change that has happened since that picture was taken. I actually went through all of the pictures on my external hard drive and it was nice to walk down memory lane. I found pictures from my first year of college, man did I look young and skinny!!! I also found pictures of Andrew and I and you could really tell even from the pictures that we were truly in love. It was nice to be reminded of that. Granted, that really doesn't help my current situation, but it was nice to be reminded of the love that I use to have and I know never to settle for less. It's just really hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that he and I are done for good. I just really don't want to believe it because if just doesn't feel right. My brother-in-law even admits that I bring out something different in him, Andrew, not my brother-in-law. I make him more talkative and more outgoing. In short, I bring out the best in him. It just ticks me off that he doesn't see that himself. He only focuses on the negative and I just don't know if I can handle that or not. Not like I really have a choice currently.

Mysteries

I really should be heading to bed but I just can't seem to clear my head...so I head to the blog...

Sometimes I wish that my life were different. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have been in a serious relationship...mainly while I was in college. I feel like I missed out on so much and I poured my heart and soul into something for nothing. It then gets better by me moving back to my hometown (which I never wanted to return to anyway) and then my boyfriend leaves me...freaking fantastic. He then has the balls to say that I didn't do anything for him! I gave up my freaking dreams for him!!!! But no, I didn't do jack crap. Gah!

I really wish that I were better off financially...that I could move out on my own...that would be great. Oh sure, it's great now at my parent's house...only when they're not here. But then there's still the problem that it's they're house. I can't rearrange furniture the way I like. I can't decorate the way I want to. Hell, I can't even use my own dishes! It's just frustrating sometimes...but I guess I just have to suck it up and deal with it like a grown person.

I finally put some pictures on my new laptop...so I guess I'll share a few...

Laura and I at her graduation!!

Carrie, seriously the best friend a girl could have...

My niece and nephews...they each have a piece of my heart...

Life

So, I just got off the phone with Andrew. He's going to be bringing my dresser back to me and getting his key back. I know I should have known this was coming, but I'm still not ready for it. I don't want to give up on a 6 year relationship. I had always thought that he and I would be together forever. I mean hell, he had even proposed to me at one point. It's just hard for me I guess because he sends so many mixed signals. He says that he wants me out of his life, but then he asks me to go do stuff with him. I just don't get it.

On a different note, I got internet hooked up at my parents house today!! This means that I don't have to rely on anyone anymore and I can do my homework in peace. That is going to be so great. I really wish that I were done with school though. I hate not having all of my spare time. Granted, I have no idea what I would do with my spare time now that I'm not in a relationship any longer, but I guess it is something that I would just deal with, huh?

Stuff...

So, things have been really weird here lately. I can't really go into detail much here because I really don't want that out there in cyber space. I did finally break down and get me a new laptop though. There wasn't really anything wrong with the last one except for the fact that I was afraid I was going to break in two. Just so you know, it's not a very good idea to drop your laptop (with it open) and it lands on its side. It tends to crack the casing and makes you think that it will split any second! But, I really do love my new laptop...I haven't really been on the internet much with it since I don't have internet at home (I'm currently at my sisters because I had homework due). But so far...I love it a lot on here!


I know that I've said in the past that I don't mind being alone, but it's really not that great. It's especially not that great when you're used to having someone that you can call and go hang out with or something like that...and I had that for 6 years! It's just hard to adjust I guess...especially when your friends either don't live in the state or if they do, they're married or are about to get married or are in a very serious relationship. I don't want to feel like I'm interfering or like a 3rd wheel. I just wish I had a friend that I could call and hang out with and not have to worry about crap...like feelings or anything like that. I guess that's why girls should be friends with girls...because, let's face it, if they start to have feelings for you...you probably shouldn't be friends with them anyway...

Thoughts

So, with my hopes of moving to OKC being quickly shot down this past week and people just hounding me with crap and deadlines...I think that I've finally decided on something. Whenever I graduate, I want to move back to Stillwater. I would love to work at a University or a hospital. I miss the interaction with people and I know I would love working on a college campus. So yeah, that's it. I may not ever move to "the Big City" but Stillwater will be just fine with me. Yes, I know that it's still in Oklahoma...but once you've been a Cowboy...Stillwater always will feel like home...

Ponderings

As I sit here trying to focus on doing my homework, I begin to remember the past. A little over 6 years ago, I started to date a guy who became my best friend. He became the center of my world. Almost a week ago, we ended our relationship. It hurt pretty bad at first...but now it really doesn't phase me much. I guess because I knew that the end was coming for quite some time. All I know is that I am really ready to move on. I had an interview with Hertz Corporation on Friday and I really think that I am a perfect fit for the company and the position. So, needless to say, I really hope that I get the job. So, please keep me in your thoughts and prayers because I am really ready to move out of Enid and to start a new life and to find someone who loves me for me and loves me unconditionally.

Changes

So things are going pretty roughly. Whoever said that growing up was easy was full of a bunch of crap! There are so many decisions and consequences that you have to think about before you can do anything! It's just so hard for me to believe that things are done with Andrew and I. But I need to accept it and move on. He thinks that later he might regret his decision but I don't know if I'll be waiting around for him. I had an interview today with Hertz and I think it went very well. I really hope that they offer me the position. I really liked the company and I really want to move to OKC. That's my plan...to move to OKC. I think that I would really like it after a while. At first it would be really weird and crazy because it would be something completely different that I wouldn't be used to. To end this...here's a song that I absolutely love!

Consider Me Gone

 By Reba McEntire

Every time I turn the conversation to something deeper than the weather I can feel you all but shuttin' down.
And when I need an explanation for the silence you just tell me you don't wanna talk about it now.

What you're not saying is coming in loud and clear we're at a crossroads here...

If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then i guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone

With you I've always been wide open like a window or an ocean. there is nothing I've ever tried to hide.
So when you leave me not knowin' where you're goin' I start thinkin' that we're lookin' we're lookin' at goodbye.

How about a strong shot of honesty don't you owe that to me...

If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then i guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone.

Consider me a memory.
Consider me the past.
Consider me a smile in an old photograph someone who used to make you laugh.

If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
Then i guess we're done let's not drag this on.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Just consider me gone.