Blessed

Those who know me know that I haven't been truly happy in quite some time. I'm not really sure why, I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a job, a roof over my head (even if my parents'), I can afford to buy groceries, and I'm working on a higher education. But, for some reason, it doesn't make me happy. I know I need to be happy with myself first before I can truly be happy and I'm slowly but surely working on that. One thing is for certain, I have the greatest friends. Granted, they don't live very close although one is at least now in the same state now instead of a completely different country! I wish I lived closer to both of them and that I could see them more. They always bring a smile to my face and can always make me laugh no matter what. They help me get through the craziness in my day even though they have no idea that they do. I know that these two ladies will be there always and knowing that makes me happy.

Relationships

Maybe I'm too young to really get relationships still. Andrew and I split up in June and he decided this month that it was the biggest mistake he's ever made. He doesn't know that I've met someone who is completely fantastic. I don't want to tell him because I know it will hurt him pretty badly. My family has been trying to pressure me into getting back with him despite my objections. He's broken my heart twice and people seem to think that I loved him that much that I could just look over it...but I can't. I loved him with all of my heart...that I can never deny. But after he called it quits in June, I'll admit...I was devastated. I had no idea how I was going to pick up the pieces and start fresh after 6 years. This may be sad, but it really wasn't that hard to do. Maybe my heart's trying to tell me something...maybe it's not ready to love again. Derek listens to my problems and lets me have the truth. He even tells me things that most girls would never want to hear, but I appreciate openness and honesty. I don't want to hurt Andrew anymore than I already have in the past but I'm not ready to face that chapter again...not yet anyway. I guess I'll just take it day by day and see what each of them brings.

New Beginnings

I never thought that I would say this...but I'm ready to move on. I've met someone who is just fantastic and seems to know how to treat a girl. I deserve better than Andrew. I can't keep thinking that he'll change. I gave him a chance twice and I got the same result. So, I need to move on and that's what I'm going to do. I've had plenty of time to think and make peace with myself for the most part. I still have some skeletons in my closet to deal with but that just comes from being insecure. I'm as happy as I can be with my current situation. I know that if I didn't live with my parents I would be perfectly content. So I want to share my happiness with someone. But for now, I'll just take it one step at a time and enjoy every second of it!

Going Back to Basics

So, here for a while I have been going through some crazy stuff. I've hurt many people but have also been hurt in return. I know that everything that I have done is not always right. Actually, it's pretty far from being right. I feel like I have been just pushed off of a cliff and I'm just falling. I've been falling for over 2 years now. People have tried to help me along the way, but I'm just too far gone to be helped I suppose. Everything that used to make me happy was based all around one person. So what makes me happy now? Crap if I know. I need to find my inner strength. That one thing that I could always lean on when no one was around to help. I did that since I was 15, surely I can do it 10 years later. Wow. 10 years ago my mom left. That seems like such a long time ago. 10 years ago Andrew's mom also passed away. A lot can happen in 10 years. A person can loved and lost, been broken down and lifted up, and met some of the greatest people in their life and they are gone now.

I have a problem, I admit it. I hurt people without knowing it. Or maybe I'm just so oblivious and so focused on myself that I just don't care. Maybe I'm trying to cover up the hurt and pain that I have endured by making other people suffer through the same. All that I know is that it needs to stop. I need to stop and enjoy life, even if it is alone currently. I need to learn how to deal with my demons and my past life choices before I can accept the Lisa that I currently am. I need to accept the Lisa that I currently am or else I'll just go through life constantly hurting people who don't deserve and just wander aimlessly through life without ever being happy.

So this is it, I'm going back to basics...just like my idol Christina Aguilera did. I think I'm ready to face it and I really do want to understand.

Things are looking up!!

So, after some events this weekend, life may not be so bad. Granted, I have no idea where these events will lead me...but I'm sure it will be great either way. I'm ready to move on...I'm ready to have FUN!!! Granted, things may not be perfect currently...but it will suffice.

One Night...

I really hate/love looking through old pictures. I love them because they remind me of all of the things that I have done or gone through that I may have otherwise forgotten about. They also remind me of all of the change that has happened since that picture was taken. I actually went through all of the pictures on my external hard drive and it was nice to walk down memory lane. I found pictures from my first year of college, man did I look young and skinny!!! I also found pictures of Andrew and I and you could really tell even from the pictures that we were truly in love. It was nice to be reminded of that. Granted, that really doesn't help my current situation, but it was nice to be reminded of the love that I use to have and I know never to settle for less. It's just really hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that he and I are done for good. I just really don't want to believe it because if just doesn't feel right. My brother-in-law even admits that I bring out something different in him, Andrew, not my brother-in-law. I make him more talkative and more outgoing. In short, I bring out the best in him. It just ticks me off that he doesn't see that himself. He only focuses on the negative and I just don't know if I can handle that or not. Not like I really have a choice currently.

Mysteries

I really should be heading to bed but I just can't seem to clear my head...so I head to the blog...

Sometimes I wish that my life were different. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have been in a serious relationship...mainly while I was in college. I feel like I missed out on so much and I poured my heart and soul into something for nothing. It then gets better by me moving back to my hometown (which I never wanted to return to anyway) and then my boyfriend leaves me...freaking fantastic. He then has the balls to say that I didn't do anything for him! I gave up my freaking dreams for him!!!! But no, I didn't do jack crap. Gah!

I really wish that I were better off financially...that I could move out on my own...that would be great. Oh sure, it's great now at my parent's house...only when they're not here. But then there's still the problem that it's they're house. I can't rearrange furniture the way I like. I can't decorate the way I want to. Hell, I can't even use my own dishes! It's just frustrating sometimes...but I guess I just have to suck it up and deal with it like a grown person.

I finally put some pictures on my new laptop...so I guess I'll share a few...

Laura and I at her graduation!!

Carrie, seriously the best friend a girl could have...

My niece and nephews...they each have a piece of my heart...

Life

So, I just got off the phone with Andrew. He's going to be bringing my dresser back to me and getting his key back. I know I should have known this was coming, but I'm still not ready for it. I don't want to give up on a 6 year relationship. I had always thought that he and I would be together forever. I mean hell, he had even proposed to me at one point. It's just hard for me I guess because he sends so many mixed signals. He says that he wants me out of his life, but then he asks me to go do stuff with him. I just don't get it.

On a different note, I got internet hooked up at my parents house today!! This means that I don't have to rely on anyone anymore and I can do my homework in peace. That is going to be so great. I really wish that I were done with school though. I hate not having all of my spare time. Granted, I have no idea what I would do with my spare time now that I'm not in a relationship any longer, but I guess it is something that I would just deal with, huh?

Stuff...

So, things have been really weird here lately. I can't really go into detail much here because I really don't want that out there in cyber space. I did finally break down and get me a new laptop though. There wasn't really anything wrong with the last one except for the fact that I was afraid I was going to break in two. Just so you know, it's not a very good idea to drop your laptop (with it open) and it lands on its side. It tends to crack the casing and makes you think that it will split any second! But, I really do love my new laptop...I haven't really been on the internet much with it since I don't have internet at home (I'm currently at my sisters because I had homework due). But so far...I love it a lot on here!


I know that I've said in the past that I don't mind being alone, but it's really not that great. It's especially not that great when you're used to having someone that you can call and go hang out with or something like that...and I had that for 6 years! It's just hard to adjust I guess...especially when your friends either don't live in the state or if they do, they're married or are about to get married or are in a very serious relationship. I don't want to feel like I'm interfering or like a 3rd wheel. I just wish I had a friend that I could call and hang out with and not have to worry about crap...like feelings or anything like that. I guess that's why girls should be friends with girls...because, let's face it, if they start to have feelings for you...you probably shouldn't be friends with them anyway...

Thoughts

So, with my hopes of moving to OKC being quickly shot down this past week and people just hounding me with crap and deadlines...I think that I've finally decided on something. Whenever I graduate, I want to move back to Stillwater. I would love to work at a University or a hospital. I miss the interaction with people and I know I would love working on a college campus. So yeah, that's it. I may not ever move to "the Big City" but Stillwater will be just fine with me. Yes, I know that it's still in Oklahoma...but once you've been a Cowboy...Stillwater always will feel like home...

Ponderings

As I sit here trying to focus on doing my homework, I begin to remember the past. A little over 6 years ago, I started to date a guy who became my best friend. He became the center of my world. Almost a week ago, we ended our relationship. It hurt pretty bad at first...but now it really doesn't phase me much. I guess because I knew that the end was coming for quite some time. All I know is that I am really ready to move on. I had an interview with Hertz Corporation on Friday and I really think that I am a perfect fit for the company and the position. So, needless to say, I really hope that I get the job. So, please keep me in your thoughts and prayers because I am really ready to move out of Enid and to start a new life and to find someone who loves me for me and loves me unconditionally.

Changes

So things are going pretty roughly. Whoever said that growing up was easy was full of a bunch of crap! There are so many decisions and consequences that you have to think about before you can do anything! It's just so hard for me to believe that things are done with Andrew and I. But I need to accept it and move on. He thinks that later he might regret his decision but I don't know if I'll be waiting around for him. I had an interview today with Hertz and I think it went very well. I really hope that they offer me the position. I really liked the company and I really want to move to OKC. That's my plan...to move to OKC. I think that I would really like it after a while. At first it would be really weird and crazy because it would be something completely different that I wouldn't be used to. To end this...here's a song that I absolutely love!

Consider Me Gone

 By Reba McEntire

Every time I turn the conversation to something deeper than the weather I can feel you all but shuttin' down.
And when I need an explanation for the silence you just tell me you don't wanna talk about it now.

What you're not saying is coming in loud and clear we're at a crossroads here...

If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then i guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone

With you I've always been wide open like a window or an ocean. there is nothing I've ever tried to hide.
So when you leave me not knowin' where you're goin' I start thinkin' that we're lookin' we're lookin' at goodbye.

How about a strong shot of honesty don't you owe that to me...

If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then i guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone.

Consider me a memory.
Consider me the past.
Consider me a smile in an old photograph someone who used to make you laugh.

If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
Then i guess we're done let's not drag this on.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Just consider me gone.

School

Some things never change I suppose, no matter how long you've been going to school. I have went through all years of the public education system and 4 years at a Big XII school and now I'm going through graduate school and I can honestly say that I still suck at focusing on something! I even came to IHOP to get away from distractions so that I could focus on my paper that's due in 3 1/2 hours just find my mind wandering to whatever the servers are griping about. Oh the days of working in the food industry when the littlest thing could tick you off...


I really wish I could focus though...but I catch myself wondering about the future. I can't wait until I can move out on my own and I can get all of my things out again (I haven't had my stuff out of boxes in over 2 years now). I can't wait to hang up curtains and pictures and shelves. I just love it all! Well, there's my rambling for today...I guess I must get back to my homework now...

Breakthrough

I'm going to start doing what I used to love doing...drawing and playing my clarinet. Those have always been so relaxing to me. I remember when I used to play the clarinet and people would come up talking to me and I would completely not hear them because when I play, I get taken to another world. I'm so peaceful and happy...even if I screw up on the piece that I'm playing. Drawing can be frustrating but also sooo relaxing. I've been told that I'm pretty good at it and if I can find some of my old stuff I'll post it later. I always see the flaws in something that I do, but deep down I admit to myself that maybe I am pretty good at it.

Many things are starting to fall into place in my life and I can't wait for things to start rolling so that I can just move on.

The Beginning

So, this is my first post and I'm not quite sure what to start with. I guess I can start with the basics for those who might stumble across my little page and not know who I am.

My name it Lisa and I hail from Enid, Oklahoma. I was born and raised here and just can't quite get myself away. I went to Chisholm Public Schools my entire life until I finally graduated in 2004. After which I moved to Stillwater, OK to attend Oklahoma State University. I was a member of their marching band and found what I love to do...Accounting (crazy, yes I know). During my four years at OSU I dated the man of my dreams and he finally proposed on January 26, 2008 after dating for almost 4 years. After graduating I moved back to Enid because he had his own business there, so what else was I suppose to do?? Well, needless to say, he and I split up for about 8 months a couple of months after I moved back. I dated someone else but my heart knew that it belonged to someone else. So, Andrew and I got back together and I thought it would all be great. Everything would fall right back into place, the way that it use to be. Boy was I wrong! So, we have been back together for a little over a year and we have decided to go our separate ways.

So I decided to start this blog to document the changes that are about to change in my life as I embark on a life (that for the last 6 years has revolved around Andrew). I finally get to go chase my dreams and follow wherever the wind may take me. I am nervous and also excited all at the same time. Who knows if he and I will ever get back together. All I know is that for now I am doing what I want to do for a change and I will live my life for me and no one else.