Oklahoma Sky

I received Miranda Lambert's new album this past week and I absolutely love it!! I especially love the song "Oklahoma Sky" and "Safe" but I'm only going to post the lyrics to "Oklahoma Sky". So, if you haven't heard it you should...like...now...go!

How long has it taken me to find you
Five hundred years, five hundred thousand miles
It don't matter now, love's always on time
Meet me underneath the Oklahoma sky
Lightening flash, everything went silent
A feather could have knocked me to the floor
Missing piece was found, I was finally alive
Meet me underneath the Oklahoma sky
With the speed of sound I am homeward bound
All our sorrows swept away forever
Each and every tear washed out to sea
There ain't no goodbye with your hand in mine
Meet me underneath the Oklahoma sky
Oklahoma sky

Lonely Thoughts

I really don't like it when Andrew isn't here because this house grows very quiet and it feels like the walls are closing in around me. I'm used to this feeling though because that's how I felt when I lived by myself for 2 years in Stillwater...I now remember why that was a bad idea. I was walking down memory lane by going through some notes that I had written and posted on facebook. There is one in particular that caused quite a stir in my family. I didn't attack my family in any way, but reading back through it I can see why they may have taken it that way. It makes me wonder, however, why they would feel attacked by a simple sentence. Did it bring up their own personal shortcomings that they have tried to hide? Are they jealous because of the things that I have done? Or are they just ready to stir up trouble at the slightest little thing? These questions will never be answered and I'm ok with that. I guess it will just leave me wondering. It's very apparent that I'm not like my family, especially when we are all gathered together. I don't socialize with anyone and pretty much keep to myself. Granted, that could be taken as that I think I am too good for everyone now, but that isn't the case. I just don't have anything to say to them. I have always been in the middle of the gap of the older people in my family and the younger, so I'm really not on the same level as anyone in my family...especially since I don't have kids and I'm not married. I guess I just wish that people in my family would realize and accept the fact that I'm different and I wouldn't be me if it were any other way.

Lost

While I sit here by myself in a quiet house, my mind wanders. I worry about the future and what it may bring. I worry about the past and if it will continue to haunt me. I want to believe that I am good enough for someone to love...but I've started to have my doubts. I love Andrew with all of my heart and I think he does too. That's one thing I can't stand about him, he never speaks his feelings. Well, I shouldn't say never because he sometimes does and when he does it is just fantastic. It's everything I had wanted to hear for a while but I guess it just wasn't ready to come out yet. I feel lost without him around. He's currently in Okeene watching his youngest brother play football while I'm here at the house about to finish removing the last bit of grout in the shower. I know you shouldn't pin all of your happiness on a person let alone only one, but he does make me happy. I'm pretty happy without him around but I'm the happiest with him near. I can't wait to be his for forever and I'm pretty sure that even then it won't be enough...

Busy Day!

Well, my day started at 5:45 this morning because I thought that it would be a good idea to participate in a 5k run. I had only been training for about 3 weeks and wasn't really sure what to expect. I finished 51st out of the women (not really sure about overall) and my time was 37:25. I didn't think that it was very bad at all! Of course, when I told my sister about it she said that it was a horrible time...but she always likes to bring people down when she's jealous of them...and I'm also one to take things to heart and let it bother me. However, I have decided that I don't care what she says! I participated in my first 5k run and finished under 40 minutes and had my face turn as red as a lobster because I was so hot...and I enjoyed it!! Maybe not during, but looking back on it it wasn't so bad!

I also volunteered at a benefit for 2 boys around the Enid area who were in an accident with a grain auger. They have both lost a leg and are only 17 years old and seniors at their high schools. One of them attends Chisholm, which is where I went to school my entire life. I wanted to volunteer because my class had a terrible accident occur and it cost my classmate his life along with two innocent men. I didn't do it because I wanted people to see me doing something, or for status or respect. I did it because Cory touched my life when he died. I may not have been his best friend, but we grew up together in school. I would like to think that he looked down on Katie and I tonight and saw that because of him, we were reaching out to two kids we have never met. I don't want people to remember Cory as dying because he was driving drunk, he died to make others see how fragile life is. I know that the money we raised will help out Tyler & Bryce and their families. It won't, however, bring their legs back. I hope that they can find the strength to carry on and live their lives to the fullest...because God obviously didn't want to take them just yet.

New things!

So, here lately I've been pretty bummed out about work and school and such. I finally realized that I shouldn't worry about any of that crap! I just need to focus on today and well maybe the week ahead. I think my mood is due to new music that has come out (I really LOVE music!) and I can't wait for entire CD's to come out and not just singles. I really especially love Miranda Lambert...maybe it's because she has new ways of getting in your face with her lyrics and has the guts to say things that no one else will. Case in point are the lyrics for her new single "Baggage Claim":

I have been draggin' around your sensitive ego
Making sure that your bags arrive on time for the dog and pony show
Little suitcase like a brick,
Kinda makes it hard to get a good grip
I drop your troubles off at the conveyor belt,
I'll hand you a ticket to go get it yourself

At the baggage claim, you got a lot of luggage in your name
When you hit the ground, check the lost and found
'Cause it ain't my problem now
I can't carry it on, I've got a lot of troubles all my own
It's all over the yard, in the trunk of the car,
I'm packin' it in so come and get it.

If it ain't obvious what has set me off today,
Behind every woman scorned is a man who made her that way
Go on take your little buisness trip with that sweet little habit
That you can't kick
You better call your momma when you get to town because I won't be hangin' around

At the baggage claim, you got a lot of luggage in your name
When you hit the gorund, check the lost and found
Because it ain't my problem now
I can't carry it on, I've got a lot of trobules of my own
It's all over the yard, in the trunk of the car,
I'm packin' it in so come and get it

Come and get it!

Come and pick it up, pick it up
Before I blow it up in flames
Pick it up, pick it up,
Baby, I'm leaving everything...

At the baggage claim, you got a lot of luggage in your name
When you hit the gorund, check the lost and found
Because it ain't my problem now
I can't carry it on, I've got a lot of troubles of my own
It's all over the yard, in the trunk of the car,
I'm packin' it in so come and get it!

Come and get it your shit.

Now this has no relevance in my personal life, but it has a great beat and I just really love it!

Wonderments...

So, there has been a lot on my mind here lately. I'm just not really sure where my life is going and it really bothers me. I want to get my life started but it seems as though there is always school lurking around the corner. Hopefully I'll be done after these next 3 courses that I have to take...but then I'll have to study for the CPA exam. I wonder if it will really be worth it. I really want to get into public accounting but there really isn't much offered around where I live.

I also wonder where my personal life is headed. Andrew and I started dating over 7 years ago and we have been through a lot. We have went our separate ways on two different occasions, but I really wouldn't change those experiences. Well, maybe a few details about them but then things probably wouldn't have turned out the way that they have. Those times apart made me learn a lot about myself and it seems like it did the same for Andrew as well.

I thought that you grew up in college and learned who you were, but that wasn't the case for me. I think the reason why most people grow up in college is because they learn how to take care of themselves, but I had already been doing that since I was 15. I learned how to take care of myself a lot younger than most of the people around me and I guess college was tough for me because I had never really been around people that seemed to have normal lives. I guess I was kind of jealous and I let that get the best of me, which is why I went off on several of my roommates my sophomore year. That's when I decided that it were probably best that I just live by myself. That probably wasn't the best choice because I pretty much alienated myself from some really great people.

Well, I can't go back and change that now. It turns out that I had to grow up after college and I hate to say it, but I still have no idea what I'm doing with my life! I have started to come to terms that my life was anything but normal or typical and that's what makes me who I am. I have also started to build my self-esteem and that's always good for someone who it 26! I still can't believe that I'm 4 years away from 30, but yeah, I can't change that either! I guess I just have to remember to take one day at a time and to not worry about what the future holds because it will all unfold in its own time...

School

While Andrew was picking some things up in the living room it got me in the cleaning mood also. So, I was going through some things and realized that I hadn't ordered my graduation pictures yet! So I started ransacking the place trying to find my order form, which was in my laptop bag and today was the last day to order! Me thinking about school also made me realize what my mother keeps telling everyone...

She says that my degree from OSU means more than my one from SWOSU. Now I understand that without the OSU degree then my SWOSU one wouldn't have been possible. But how do you justify that one is more important than the other? Her response: Well, you worked 4 long-hard years at OSU to get that degree. Um...hello! I worked 2 long-hard years for SWOSU! Granted, a lot of my classes were online or ITV but I still had to do the course work and study and take the tests. I also worked a real full-time job while doing so.

I just wonder if that is how people will see it. Just because I got one degree from a very large and honorable college that it means more than the higher degree from a lesser school.

Here's a little secret. I got my accounting degree from the top accounting program in the state. I got my masters without accumulating anymore debt and it will also help me meet the requirements for the CPA exam. So, when it comes down to it, I got my foundation from the best and used the other as a stepping stool to something greater. Just because I didn't obtain my masters degree from OSU, OU, or Tulsa does not make it any less of an honor. I still put in the time and money to earn both of my degrees and I'm the first person in my family to do it. So, maybe that's why they don't understand completely...because they just have no idea.

Past Demons

I'll be the first to admit that I am not perfect and that I have made mistakes. I've never denied that and never will. I have faced my mistakes and dealt with them the best way that I can and in the end there is only one person that I have to answer to when it is all said and done. So why then is it that people always have to bring them up? Is it so that they feel better about themselves? Does it help them feel better about their mistakes? Or is it their way of forgetting their past mistakes? People can say all that they want to about how or why Andrew and I split up the first time; he and I have dealt with it. Granted, it took us almost 2 years but we're wiser, smarter, and stronger than we were before. In the end, he and I both had a lot of growing up to do. I had to pay for my mistake when he and I got back together and had to live with the guilt for almost a year. Do you know what it's like to be with someone who doesn't even want to touch you? It makes you feel like the smallest, dirtiest thing on earth. I never wish that upon anyone. But he got his payback when he left me after that for "someone else". I knew deep down that he and I were meant for each other, it took him letting me go to figure that out.

My mom told me that I had changed a lot in the last 2 years. I just seemed more grown-up to her. She really couldn't pin point what was different about me, just that I was growing up. I can see how I've changed. My heart has become harder, I'm not as happy-go-lucky as I used to be, and I am my own worst enemy. I hope that no couple has to go thru what Andrew and I did, but I know that will never be the case. I always see these happy couples, but I wonder how they really are behind closed doors. I wonder if the way things are with Andrew and are normal. I love him with all of my heart and couldn't imagine my life without him again. I was miserable. I was always thinking about him and wishing that I was in his arms. But I would also like to think that he and I are stronger as a couple now. I think the only thing that could drive us apart would be his dad…again.

I understand that his dad is really all of the family that he has left, but he has to learn how to think for himself and defending me would be pretty nice too. I really just wanted to stand up to his dad and put him in his place, but I don't know how that would set with Andrew. I just don't take people attacking my family very well at all. I've also never stood up to a grownup before, it can be pretty intimidating! I guess I could just chalk it up to him being a bitter man who thinks that women were put on the earth to serve which, sadly, isn't too far from the truth.

Just needed to get some things off of my chest...

I hate to just have a rant-type post but sometimes it feels so much better by just putting it all out there. Sometimes I stick my nose in places it doesn't belong but I guess I just want to help those around me because I didn't get much help myself growing up. If people take that the wrong way then fine, but don't act like a child about it. I guess my problem is that I care too much and about too many people. If they want to screw their lives up then so be it I suppose. I've been trying to just focus on my life and about the people closest to me, but when I see someone going down the wrong path I want to help them. I guess I just need to say "screw it" and carry on...

Patience...or the lack thereof

Anyone who knows me knows that patience is not my forte. It never has been and probably never will be. I hate waiting for things that I know will happen. I hate having my life in a standstill especially when I see that all of the people around me have things going on in their lives...and then there's Lisa who's been stuck in the same spot in her life for almost 3 years. Yes, I am about to graduate with my MBA but then what? I'll still be living with my parents and working at the same job. Nothing will change. I just hate it...I really, really do! Grr...

Ramblings

I sit here thinking about things...mainly just where my life is heading and where it should have been. I like to watch Teen Mom 2 because I want to know what happens to Leah and Corey's twin girls, especially the one who has some problems (which they didn't really find out much during the season). I finally got to catch the season finale and Leah and Corey got married...so naturally, that gets me to thinking about how I should have already gone through all of that. But, of course, I had to get stupid...but that's a completely different story. I know who I want to be with forever and I know that he wants me for forever too...I just don't know why he won't make it official! It just really bothers me and makes me wonder if he said all of that just to get me back or if he really truly meant it. I know deep down that he meant it but we also have to take time to get to know each other again because a lot had gone on in 3 years and that changes people.

I also got to thinking about my future and how uncertain it is. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't like surprises and I don't like change. I also don't want to be stuck in a rut either. I hate knowing that after I graduate with my MBA that nothing will change with work. No promotion, no raise, nothing. I will have the highest degree in the entire company and nothing will change. There won't even be any help in paying for the CPA Exam fees. I'm just really at a crossroads with all of this and at least I have until the end of December to figure it all out. But, knowing my luck, they'll talk me in to staying at least until February or so...so at least another year. I'm ready to start my career. To start my life! When I look back on my time at the company I currently work for I'll see a lot of good times but I'll also see all of the bad that I had gone through, personally, while I was there.

I just wish I had some answers for things and that I didn't feel so lost.

Cowboy for Life

This past Thursday Andrew and I happened to wind up in Stillwater. I don't know what it is about that place that just brings a since of calm to me. It might be because that's really where my life began. I spent most of my life trying to figure out who I was and who I wasn't. It was hard for me to find my place because I am nothing like those in my family. I had plans and dreams for my life, not just doing the minimum to get by. I knew that I only have one chance at life and that I needed to make the most of it. So, naturally, off I go to college. OSU made me grow up. I had to learn how to function as an adult. I fell in love in Stillwater and then I put that love to the test. I had breakdowns and I got tougher. I discovered friends and then I learned what a true friendship was. I discovered that I wasn't the best at things like I had grown up believing. I came to terms that I was, in a sense, mediocre and I think that I'm ok with that. I wish that I could think of one thing that I excel at and I haven't found that yet. I would like to think that I will excel at being a parent just because I know what not to do and I see what others do that I would do differently.

OSU led me on some great adventures. I pushed myself to the limits and grew as an individual. I met a lot of great people and a few who were not so great. There are some friendships that have lasted and some that haven't or aren't as strong as I would like them to be. I wish I could remember more from my college years but they were all really just a blur, and no, this was not from drinking because I really didn't party much in college. College just flew by and I should have enjoyed it while I was there, but you can't change the past and it isn't good to dwell on it.

Some of my most memorable moments in college are as follows:

• Band practice one day when there was a torrential downpour and we had to stay out and march and were soaked to the bone and made a mad dash when they finally called off practice and we all left huge puddles in the elevators in the dorms.
  
• Laura going ballistic with her alarm and just seeing an orange blur bounce around the room.
  
• Laura freezing my toothpaste because she left the window open.
  
• Laura and her fantastic apple!
  
• Watching "Bill Cosby Himself" after the girls had made dinner for all of our friends.
  
• Braving yet another tsunami of rain my junior year and fighting the raging rapids on the roads trying to get back to my apartment.
  
• Picking Aleithia up and heading over to Stout and sneaking our laundry in so we could wash it there and "study" while watching "Lost" with Carrie.
  
• Thinking that Andrew was breaking up with me when he kicked me out of my apartment just so he could decorate it and send me on a hunt for him when he finally proposed.
  
• Countless Friday nights when I was half drained from working and hanging out with Carrie and Aleithia.
  
• Graduation, even if I didn't get to watch Aleithia walk because I had to high-tail it back to my apartment to get ready to walk for myself!
  
• Movie Extravaganza!!
  

All in all, college was a great experience, I just wish I got to experience more. OSU changed me and help make me into the person that I am today and I suppose I wouldn't change it. I don't remember who said it but they said it correctly about band members: "If you weren't a fan of OSU before joining band, then you will be when you're done." I'll bleed orange until the day I die and God help my children!

So, I really don't have a set topic for tonight...so here's a warning...it's a rambling post.

I've been reading other peoples posts and they all seem very thoughtful or have some sort of insight...not gonna lie...it made me feel kinda stupid about my own blog. I guess it's because there's really not anything going on in my life of any interest. I'm in my second to last class for grad school...so that's pretty exciting. We somehow made it through year-end at work. Andrew and I are still kind of in the same place that we were before, only this time it is a lot better. I still wish that we could just pick up where we left off 3 years ago but I know that it is not possible. We've been remodeling the bathroom and it is almost done though! All that is left is to finish up the trim and fix a little bit of grout on the bathroom floor...so that's pretty exciting too!

Monica posted a book review type thing the other day and I thought that it might be something I could do too...only I don't really read a lot of books anymore. So I started thinking, "What do I do a lot of?" The answer to that is cooking! Granted, I don't come up with my own recipes but I'm always looking for something new instead of eating the same ol' thing. I even started playing around with fondant cakes and have so far only made one and it was really cute! So, okay, here is my famous macaroni and cheese recipe via The Food Network:

Macaroni and Cheese

Recipe courtesy Giada De Laurentiis

Cook Time: 25 min

Level: Easy

Yield: 6 servings

Times:

Prep
10 min
Inactive Prep
10 min
Cook
25 min
Total:
45 min

Ingredients

* Butter, for greasing dish
* 12 ounces wide egg noodles
* 2 cups heavy cream
* 2 1/2 cups whole milk
* 2 teaspoons all-purpose flour
* 1/2 teaspoon salt, plus more for pasta water
* 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
* 2 cups (packed) grated Fontina
* 3/4 cup (packed) finely grated Parmesan
* 3/4 cup (packed) grated mozzarella
* 4 ounces cooked ham, diced, optional
* 2 tablespoons finely chopped fresh Italian parsley leaves

Directions

Preheat the oven to 450 degrees F.

Butter a 13 by 9-inch glass baking dish and set aside. Cook the noodles in a large pot of boiling salted water until tender but still firm to bite, stirring frequently, about 5 minutes. Drain well, but do not rinse.

Whisk the cream, milk, flour, 1/2 teaspoon salt, and pepper in large bowl to blend. Stir in 1 cup Fontina, 1/2 cup Parmesan, 1/2 cup mozzarella, ham, if using, and parsley. Add the noodles and toss to coat. Transfer the noodle mixture to the prepared baking dish. Toss the remaining 1 cup Fontina, 1/4 cup Parmesan, and 1/4 cup mozzarella in a small bowl to blend. Sprinkle the cheese mixture over the noodle mixture. Bake until the sauce bubbles and the cheese melts and begins to brown on top, about 20 minutes. Let stand for 10 minutes before serving.

*Alert* Ranting Ahead

Some things have really been bothering me lately. My job is a constant stress here lately, things aren't going exactly my way in my personal life, and I still hate paying my student loans every month. Some of these I have to deal with, mainly my student loans, they aren't going away any time soon. My personal life is also something that I just have to deal with. I can't really change it so I'm just stuck for now but I think that change will be coming soon. Work has just been horrible. I think we finally got year-end closed and that would normally mean a lot of great things for me...like I wouldn't be stressed...but then the AP girl decided to take a different job. So now that means that I get to help train the new girl (who has no experience but a lot of potential) after the current AP girl leaves. Fun! I don't think they realize how much extra stress they have added to my life because apparently getting your masters isn't enough. I've said many things to my boss and he doesn't seem to care, probably because he's under the same stress...just like everyone else. Oh well...I guess I just have hope that it will all get better some day. Until then I can just pretend that I'm here: