Lonely Thoughts

I really don't like it when Andrew isn't here because this house grows very quiet and it feels like the walls are closing in around me. I'm used to this feeling though because that's how I felt when I lived by myself for 2 years in Stillwater...I now remember why that was a bad idea. I was walking down memory lane by going through some notes that I had written and posted on facebook. There is one in particular that caused quite a stir in my family. I didn't attack my family in any way, but reading back through it I can see why they may have taken it that way. It makes me wonder, however, why they would feel attacked by a simple sentence. Did it bring up their own personal shortcomings that they have tried to hide? Are they jealous because of the things that I have done? Or are they just ready to stir up trouble at the slightest little thing? These questions will never be answered and I'm ok with that. I guess it will just leave me wondering. It's very apparent that I'm not like my family, especially when we are all gathered together. I don't socialize with anyone and pretty much keep to myself. Granted, that could be taken as that I think I am too good for everyone now, but that isn't the case. I just don't have anything to say to them. I have always been in the middle of the gap of the older people in my family and the younger, so I'm really not on the same level as anyone in my family...especially since I don't have kids and I'm not married. I guess I just wish that people in my family would realize and accept the fact that I'm different and I wouldn't be me if it were any other way.

Lost

While I sit here by myself in a quiet house, my mind wanders. I worry about the future and what it may bring. I worry about the past and if it will continue to haunt me. I want to believe that I am good enough for someone to love...but I've started to have my doubts. I love Andrew with all of my heart and I think he does too. That's one thing I can't stand about him, he never speaks his feelings. Well, I shouldn't say never because he sometimes does and when he does it is just fantastic. It's everything I had wanted to hear for a while but I guess it just wasn't ready to come out yet. I feel lost without him around. He's currently in Okeene watching his youngest brother play football while I'm here at the house about to finish removing the last bit of grout in the shower. I know you shouldn't pin all of your happiness on a person let alone only one, but he does make me happy. I'm pretty happy without him around but I'm the happiest with him near. I can't wait to be his for forever and I'm pretty sure that even then it won't be enough...

Busy Day!

Well, my day started at 5:45 this morning because I thought that it would be a good idea to participate in a 5k run. I had only been training for about 3 weeks and wasn't really sure what to expect. I finished 51st out of the women (not really sure about overall) and my time was 37:25. I didn't think that it was very bad at all! Of course, when I told my sister about it she said that it was a horrible time...but she always likes to bring people down when she's jealous of them...and I'm also one to take things to heart and let it bother me. However, I have decided that I don't care what she says! I participated in my first 5k run and finished under 40 minutes and had my face turn as red as a lobster because I was so hot...and I enjoyed it!! Maybe not during, but looking back on it it wasn't so bad!

I also volunteered at a benefit for 2 boys around the Enid area who were in an accident with a grain auger. They have both lost a leg and are only 17 years old and seniors at their high schools. One of them attends Chisholm, which is where I went to school my entire life. I wanted to volunteer because my class had a terrible accident occur and it cost my classmate his life along with two innocent men. I didn't do it because I wanted people to see me doing something, or for status or respect. I did it because Cory touched my life when he died. I may not have been his best friend, but we grew up together in school. I would like to think that he looked down on Katie and I tonight and saw that because of him, we were reaching out to two kids we have never met. I don't want people to remember Cory as dying because he was driving drunk, he died to make others see how fragile life is. I know that the money we raised will help out Tyler & Bryce and their families. It won't, however, bring their legs back. I hope that they can find the strength to carry on and live their lives to the fullest...because God obviously didn't want to take them just yet.

New things!

So, here lately I've been pretty bummed out about work and school and such. I finally realized that I shouldn't worry about any of that crap! I just need to focus on today and well maybe the week ahead. I think my mood is due to new music that has come out (I really LOVE music!) and I can't wait for entire CD's to come out and not just singles. I really especially love Miranda Lambert...maybe it's because she has new ways of getting in your face with her lyrics and has the guts to say things that no one else will. Case in point are the lyrics for her new single "Baggage Claim":

I have been draggin' around your sensitive ego
Making sure that your bags arrive on time for the dog and pony show
Little suitcase like a brick,
Kinda makes it hard to get a good grip
I drop your troubles off at the conveyor belt,
I'll hand you a ticket to go get it yourself

At the baggage claim, you got a lot of luggage in your name
When you hit the ground, check the lost and found
'Cause it ain't my problem now
I can't carry it on, I've got a lot of troubles all my own
It's all over the yard, in the trunk of the car,
I'm packin' it in so come and get it.

If it ain't obvious what has set me off today,
Behind every woman scorned is a man who made her that way
Go on take your little buisness trip with that sweet little habit
That you can't kick
You better call your momma when you get to town because I won't be hangin' around

At the baggage claim, you got a lot of luggage in your name
When you hit the gorund, check the lost and found
Because it ain't my problem now
I can't carry it on, I've got a lot of trobules of my own
It's all over the yard, in the trunk of the car,
I'm packin' it in so come and get it

Come and get it!

Come and pick it up, pick it up
Before I blow it up in flames
Pick it up, pick it up,
Baby, I'm leaving everything...

At the baggage claim, you got a lot of luggage in your name
When you hit the gorund, check the lost and found
Because it ain't my problem now
I can't carry it on, I've got a lot of troubles of my own
It's all over the yard, in the trunk of the car,
I'm packin' it in so come and get it!

Come and get it your shit.

Now this has no relevance in my personal life, but it has a great beat and I just really love it!

Wonderments...

So, there has been a lot on my mind here lately. I'm just not really sure where my life is going and it really bothers me. I want to get my life started but it seems as though there is always school lurking around the corner. Hopefully I'll be done after these next 3 courses that I have to take...but then I'll have to study for the CPA exam. I wonder if it will really be worth it. I really want to get into public accounting but there really isn't much offered around where I live.

I also wonder where my personal life is headed. Andrew and I started dating over 7 years ago and we have been through a lot. We have went our separate ways on two different occasions, but I really wouldn't change those experiences. Well, maybe a few details about them but then things probably wouldn't have turned out the way that they have. Those times apart made me learn a lot about myself and it seems like it did the same for Andrew as well.

I thought that you grew up in college and learned who you were, but that wasn't the case for me. I think the reason why most people grow up in college is because they learn how to take care of themselves, but I had already been doing that since I was 15. I learned how to take care of myself a lot younger than most of the people around me and I guess college was tough for me because I had never really been around people that seemed to have normal lives. I guess I was kind of jealous and I let that get the best of me, which is why I went off on several of my roommates my sophomore year. That's when I decided that it were probably best that I just live by myself. That probably wasn't the best choice because I pretty much alienated myself from some really great people.

Well, I can't go back and change that now. It turns out that I had to grow up after college and I hate to say it, but I still have no idea what I'm doing with my life! I have started to come to terms that my life was anything but normal or typical and that's what makes me who I am. I have also started to build my self-esteem and that's always good for someone who it 26! I still can't believe that I'm 4 years away from 30, but yeah, I can't change that either! I guess I just have to remember to take one day at a time and to not worry about what the future holds because it will all unfold in its own time...

School

While Andrew was picking some things up in the living room it got me in the cleaning mood also. So, I was going through some things and realized that I hadn't ordered my graduation pictures yet! So I started ransacking the place trying to find my order form, which was in my laptop bag and today was the last day to order! Me thinking about school also made me realize what my mother keeps telling everyone...

She says that my degree from OSU means more than my one from SWOSU. Now I understand that without the OSU degree then my SWOSU one wouldn't have been possible. But how do you justify that one is more important than the other? Her response: Well, you worked 4 long-hard years at OSU to get that degree. Um...hello! I worked 2 long-hard years for SWOSU! Granted, a lot of my classes were online or ITV but I still had to do the course work and study and take the tests. I also worked a real full-time job while doing so.

I just wonder if that is how people will see it. Just because I got one degree from a very large and honorable college that it means more than the higher degree from a lesser school.

Here's a little secret. I got my accounting degree from the top accounting program in the state. I got my masters without accumulating anymore debt and it will also help me meet the requirements for the CPA exam. So, when it comes down to it, I got my foundation from the best and used the other as a stepping stool to something greater. Just because I didn't obtain my masters degree from OSU, OU, or Tulsa does not make it any less of an honor. I still put in the time and money to earn both of my degrees and I'm the first person in my family to do it. So, maybe that's why they don't understand completely...because they just have no idea.

Past Demons

I'll be the first to admit that I am not perfect and that I have made mistakes. I've never denied that and never will. I have faced my mistakes and dealt with them the best way that I can and in the end there is only one person that I have to answer to when it is all said and done. So why then is it that people always have to bring them up? Is it so that they feel better about themselves? Does it help them feel better about their mistakes? Or is it their way of forgetting their past mistakes? People can say all that they want to about how or why Andrew and I split up the first time; he and I have dealt with it. Granted, it took us almost 2 years but we're wiser, smarter, and stronger than we were before. In the end, he and I both had a lot of growing up to do. I had to pay for my mistake when he and I got back together and had to live with the guilt for almost a year. Do you know what it's like to be with someone who doesn't even want to touch you? It makes you feel like the smallest, dirtiest thing on earth. I never wish that upon anyone. But he got his payback when he left me after that for "someone else". I knew deep down that he and I were meant for each other, it took him letting me go to figure that out.

My mom told me that I had changed a lot in the last 2 years. I just seemed more grown-up to her. She really couldn't pin point what was different about me, just that I was growing up. I can see how I've changed. My heart has become harder, I'm not as happy-go-lucky as I used to be, and I am my own worst enemy. I hope that no couple has to go thru what Andrew and I did, but I know that will never be the case. I always see these happy couples, but I wonder how they really are behind closed doors. I wonder if the way things are with Andrew and are normal. I love him with all of my heart and couldn't imagine my life without him again. I was miserable. I was always thinking about him and wishing that I was in his arms. But I would also like to think that he and I are stronger as a couple now. I think the only thing that could drive us apart would be his dad…again.

I understand that his dad is really all of the family that he has left, but he has to learn how to think for himself and defending me would be pretty nice too. I really just wanted to stand up to his dad and put him in his place, but I don't know how that would set with Andrew. I just don't take people attacking my family very well at all. I've also never stood up to a grownup before, it can be pretty intimidating! I guess I could just chalk it up to him being a bitter man who thinks that women were put on the earth to serve which, sadly, isn't too far from the truth.