Looking into the future....

Andrew continues to amazes me every single day. I never realized how selfless he is. We were discussing our futures the other night and him going back to school. He told me that what drives him right now is that he wants to be able to provide a great life for his children. I never really thought about it that way before. Why am I working so hard to get my CPA? To get a better job with better pay so I can pay my student loans off faster and make life easier. But that seems pretty selfish. But, maybe, paying my student loans off faster will just allow me to then put that money that I was paying to another account to help setup a college savings account for any children I may have. Looking at it that way, it doesn't seem so selfish. I just think that it's sad that Andrew had to point out, without meaning to, that I was being selfish and I need to realize that there are things out there more important than myself...even if they don't exist as of yet.

Oklahoma Sky

I received Miranda Lambert's new album this past week and I absolutely love it!! I especially love the song "Oklahoma Sky" and "Safe" but I'm only going to post the lyrics to "Oklahoma Sky". So, if you haven't heard it you should...like...now...go!

How long has it taken me to find you
Five hundred years, five hundred thousand miles
It don't matter now, love's always on time
Meet me underneath the Oklahoma sky
Lightening flash, everything went silent
A feather could have knocked me to the floor
Missing piece was found, I was finally alive
Meet me underneath the Oklahoma sky
With the speed of sound I am homeward bound
All our sorrows swept away forever
Each and every tear washed out to sea
There ain't no goodbye with your hand in mine
Meet me underneath the Oklahoma sky
Oklahoma sky

Lonely Thoughts

I really don't like it when Andrew isn't here because this house grows very quiet and it feels like the walls are closing in around me. I'm used to this feeling though because that's how I felt when I lived by myself for 2 years in Stillwater...I now remember why that was a bad idea. I was walking down memory lane by going through some notes that I had written and posted on facebook. There is one in particular that caused quite a stir in my family. I didn't attack my family in any way, but reading back through it I can see why they may have taken it that way. It makes me wonder, however, why they would feel attacked by a simple sentence. Did it bring up their own personal shortcomings that they have tried to hide? Are they jealous because of the things that I have done? Or are they just ready to stir up trouble at the slightest little thing? These questions will never be answered and I'm ok with that. I guess it will just leave me wondering. It's very apparent that I'm not like my family, especially when we are all gathered together. I don't socialize with anyone and pretty much keep to myself. Granted, that could be taken as that I think I am too good for everyone now, but that isn't the case. I just don't have anything to say to them. I have always been in the middle of the gap of the older people in my family and the younger, so I'm really not on the same level as anyone in my family...especially since I don't have kids and I'm not married. I guess I just wish that people in my family would realize and accept the fact that I'm different and I wouldn't be me if it were any other way.

Lost

While I sit here by myself in a quiet house, my mind wanders. I worry about the future and what it may bring. I worry about the past and if it will continue to haunt me. I want to believe that I am good enough for someone to love...but I've started to have my doubts. I love Andrew with all of my heart and I think he does too. That's one thing I can't stand about him, he never speaks his feelings. Well, I shouldn't say never because he sometimes does and when he does it is just fantastic. It's everything I had wanted to hear for a while but I guess it just wasn't ready to come out yet. I feel lost without him around. He's currently in Okeene watching his youngest brother play football while I'm here at the house about to finish removing the last bit of grout in the shower. I know you shouldn't pin all of your happiness on a person let alone only one, but he does make me happy. I'm pretty happy without him around but I'm the happiest with him near. I can't wait to be his for forever and I'm pretty sure that even then it won't be enough...

Busy Day!

Well, my day started at 5:45 this morning because I thought that it would be a good idea to participate in a 5k run. I had only been training for about 3 weeks and wasn't really sure what to expect. I finished 51st out of the women (not really sure about overall) and my time was 37:25. I didn't think that it was very bad at all! Of course, when I told my sister about it she said that it was a horrible time...but she always likes to bring people down when she's jealous of them...and I'm also one to take things to heart and let it bother me. However, I have decided that I don't care what she says! I participated in my first 5k run and finished under 40 minutes and had my face turn as red as a lobster because I was so hot...and I enjoyed it!! Maybe not during, but looking back on it it wasn't so bad!

I also volunteered at a benefit for 2 boys around the Enid area who were in an accident with a grain auger. They have both lost a leg and are only 17 years old and seniors at their high schools. One of them attends Chisholm, which is where I went to school my entire life. I wanted to volunteer because my class had a terrible accident occur and it cost my classmate his life along with two innocent men. I didn't do it because I wanted people to see me doing something, or for status or respect. I did it because Cory touched my life when he died. I may not have been his best friend, but we grew up together in school. I would like to think that he looked down on Katie and I tonight and saw that because of him, we were reaching out to two kids we have never met. I don't want people to remember Cory as dying because he was driving drunk, he died to make others see how fragile life is. I know that the money we raised will help out Tyler & Bryce and their families. It won't, however, bring their legs back. I hope that they can find the strength to carry on and live their lives to the fullest...because God obviously didn't want to take them just yet.

New things!

So, here lately I've been pretty bummed out about work and school and such. I finally realized that I shouldn't worry about any of that crap! I just need to focus on today and well maybe the week ahead. I think my mood is due to new music that has come out (I really LOVE music!) and I can't wait for entire CD's to come out and not just singles. I really especially love Miranda Lambert...maybe it's because she has new ways of getting in your face with her lyrics and has the guts to say things that no one else will. Case in point are the lyrics for her new single "Baggage Claim":

I have been draggin' around your sensitive ego
Making sure that your bags arrive on time for the dog and pony show
Little suitcase like a brick,
Kinda makes it hard to get a good grip
I drop your troubles off at the conveyor belt,
I'll hand you a ticket to go get it yourself

At the baggage claim, you got a lot of luggage in your name
When you hit the ground, check the lost and found
'Cause it ain't my problem now
I can't carry it on, I've got a lot of troubles all my own
It's all over the yard, in the trunk of the car,
I'm packin' it in so come and get it.

If it ain't obvious what has set me off today,
Behind every woman scorned is a man who made her that way
Go on take your little buisness trip with that sweet little habit
That you can't kick
You better call your momma when you get to town because I won't be hangin' around

At the baggage claim, you got a lot of luggage in your name
When you hit the gorund, check the lost and found
Because it ain't my problem now
I can't carry it on, I've got a lot of trobules of my own
It's all over the yard, in the trunk of the car,
I'm packin' it in so come and get it

Come and get it!

Come and pick it up, pick it up
Before I blow it up in flames
Pick it up, pick it up,
Baby, I'm leaving everything...

At the baggage claim, you got a lot of luggage in your name
When you hit the gorund, check the lost and found
Because it ain't my problem now
I can't carry it on, I've got a lot of troubles of my own
It's all over the yard, in the trunk of the car,
I'm packin' it in so come and get it!

Come and get it your shit.

Now this has no relevance in my personal life, but it has a great beat and I just really love it!

Wonderments...

So, there has been a lot on my mind here lately. I'm just not really sure where my life is going and it really bothers me. I want to get my life started but it seems as though there is always school lurking around the corner. Hopefully I'll be done after these next 3 courses that I have to take...but then I'll have to study for the CPA exam. I wonder if it will really be worth it. I really want to get into public accounting but there really isn't much offered around where I live.

I also wonder where my personal life is headed. Andrew and I started dating over 7 years ago and we have been through a lot. We have went our separate ways on two different occasions, but I really wouldn't change those experiences. Well, maybe a few details about them but then things probably wouldn't have turned out the way that they have. Those times apart made me learn a lot about myself and it seems like it did the same for Andrew as well.

I thought that you grew up in college and learned who you were, but that wasn't the case for me. I think the reason why most people grow up in college is because they learn how to take care of themselves, but I had already been doing that since I was 15. I learned how to take care of myself a lot younger than most of the people around me and I guess college was tough for me because I had never really been around people that seemed to have normal lives. I guess I was kind of jealous and I let that get the best of me, which is why I went off on several of my roommates my sophomore year. That's when I decided that it were probably best that I just live by myself. That probably wasn't the best choice because I pretty much alienated myself from some really great people.

Well, I can't go back and change that now. It turns out that I had to grow up after college and I hate to say it, but I still have no idea what I'm doing with my life! I have started to come to terms that my life was anything but normal or typical and that's what makes me who I am. I have also started to build my self-esteem and that's always good for someone who it 26! I still can't believe that I'm 4 years away from 30, but yeah, I can't change that either! I guess I just have to remember to take one day at a time and to not worry about what the future holds because it will all unfold in its own time...