June 3, 2004

I can't believe that eight and a half years ago I started a journey that would take the twists and turns that it did. I had never imagined that I would love someone for this long and for as much as I do. It may not have always been the easiest road, but it was the only road we could take. A couple of times we parted ways. We used this time to learn about ourselves...and to grow up. We still have some work to do but thankfully we will get to do that together.

I don't know if he knows exactly how much I love him...how much I need him in my life. We may not always see eye to eye, but I know he will support me through anything. He may have some mood swings but he is the rock that my life depends on. He keeps me grounded when my dreams start to fly too high. He keeps me focused when my mind starts to stray from what it needs to do to help me succeed in my career. He just makes me a better person and helps me see the person that I want to be.

Eight and a half years ago I begun a journey with a man who has since become my best friend. He is the person that I want to grow old with. The person I want to sit on the front porch watching the sun sink below the horizon with. He is the person that will be the reason for any wrinkles around my eyes from laughing too much. He is the person that will make sure I live life to the fullest because tomorrow is never promised.

Past Decisions

After reading a friend's post the other day it got me to thinking about the choices I have made in my life. She was discussing her choice when it came to choosing a college. I wonder now if going to Oklahoma State was the right choice for myself. Should I have looked at options out of state? Would that have made a difference? My dad's family is from Louisiana so LSU would have been a pretty good choice. If I had gone to a different college would I have stayed with Andrew? Would I have a different career path? Would I have even come back to Oklahoma? There's just so many uncertainties. I suppose my choice will suffice. I love Oklahoma State more than anybody in my family will ever understand. I don't know why that is. Maybe it's because that's where I got my first start. The slate had been wiped clean and I was free to draw what I wanted to on it. I admit, I didn't do very well the first couple of years. I was what most would call a bitch and I cussed like a sailor, not exactly how I wanted to get off. I didn't know how to cope with being around such good people. I was raised in a household where everyone was out to prove you wrong or do better than you and later rub it in your face. You couldn't get past any mistake you had ever made and it was constantly thrown in your face. The people I met were absolutely fantastic and appeared to have grown up in stable, loving households. I guess I was quite jealous and lashed out at everyone. Then I met two ladies who loved me for who I was, flaws and all. I didn't have to pretend around them and they helped me start being the person I wanted to be. One I had met during my whole "screw everything" stage and somehow still stayed my friend, I don't know if that's how she wanted it to go, but she's stuck with me now! ;) If I had never gone to OSU then I would never be able to call them my best friends...I wouldn't even know they existed. They each add something a little different to my life even though we don't reside in the same state. I hope that I continue to learn from them and grow from what they teach me. They may not know it, but they influence me so much and I hope that one day I can do the same for them. They help me live orange and they are the fondest memories I have from my 4 years in Stillwater and I'll hold them close always.

Family

Sometimes I wonder how other people got so lucky to have a great family. How did I get dealt the crappy hand? I'm not saying that all of my family is horrible, I actually like a lot of them. I'm the youngest of 3 girls, the oldest being my half sister. Ever since she moved back to town, my middle sister and I have been treated like there's only one daughter in the family...and it isn't us. It's kind of sad and pathetic. I wish I had a relationship with both of my parents where they would call me up to see what I was doing or want me to go do something with them...but that isn't the case because the oldest sister is back in town. Oh sure, there's the excuse that the last 10 years have to be made up to her...but she chose to move away and get in trouble with the law...not us younger two. Then my mother is always putting everyone else down and making them out to be horrible people. Yes, I admit that you do have to watch what you say about some people but that's just some quirks that people have. I just don't get why people are always so negative. Life is too short for all of that! I guess I'll just have to put those feelings aside and focus on the future and how I can make my family better than what I have now.

Looking into the future....

Andrew continues to amazes me every single day. I never realized how selfless he is. We were discussing our futures the other night and him going back to school. He told me that what drives him right now is that he wants to be able to provide a great life for his children. I never really thought about it that way before. Why am I working so hard to get my CPA? To get a better job with better pay so I can pay my student loans off faster and make life easier. But that seems pretty selfish. But, maybe, paying my student loans off faster will just allow me to then put that money that I was paying to another account to help setup a college savings account for any children I may have. Looking at it that way, it doesn't seem so selfish. I just think that it's sad that Andrew had to point out, without meaning to, that I was being selfish and I need to realize that there are things out there more important than myself...even if they don't exist as of yet.

Oklahoma Sky

I received Miranda Lambert's new album this past week and I absolutely love it!! I especially love the song "Oklahoma Sky" and "Safe" but I'm only going to post the lyrics to "Oklahoma Sky". So, if you haven't heard it you should...like...now...go!

How long has it taken me to find you
Five hundred years, five hundred thousand miles
It don't matter now, love's always on time
Meet me underneath the Oklahoma sky
Lightening flash, everything went silent
A feather could have knocked me to the floor
Missing piece was found, I was finally alive
Meet me underneath the Oklahoma sky
With the speed of sound I am homeward bound
All our sorrows swept away forever
Each and every tear washed out to sea
There ain't no goodbye with your hand in mine
Meet me underneath the Oklahoma sky
Oklahoma sky

Lonely Thoughts

I really don't like it when Andrew isn't here because this house grows very quiet and it feels like the walls are closing in around me. I'm used to this feeling though because that's how I felt when I lived by myself for 2 years in Stillwater...I now remember why that was a bad idea. I was walking down memory lane by going through some notes that I had written and posted on facebook. There is one in particular that caused quite a stir in my family. I didn't attack my family in any way, but reading back through it I can see why they may have taken it that way. It makes me wonder, however, why they would feel attacked by a simple sentence. Did it bring up their own personal shortcomings that they have tried to hide? Are they jealous because of the things that I have done? Or are they just ready to stir up trouble at the slightest little thing? These questions will never be answered and I'm ok with that. I guess it will just leave me wondering. It's very apparent that I'm not like my family, especially when we are all gathered together. I don't socialize with anyone and pretty much keep to myself. Granted, that could be taken as that I think I am too good for everyone now, but that isn't the case. I just don't have anything to say to them. I have always been in the middle of the gap of the older people in my family and the younger, so I'm really not on the same level as anyone in my family...especially since I don't have kids and I'm not married. I guess I just wish that people in my family would realize and accept the fact that I'm different and I wouldn't be me if it were any other way.

Lost

While I sit here by myself in a quiet house, my mind wanders. I worry about the future and what it may bring. I worry about the past and if it will continue to haunt me. I want to believe that I am good enough for someone to love...but I've started to have my doubts. I love Andrew with all of my heart and I think he does too. That's one thing I can't stand about him, he never speaks his feelings. Well, I shouldn't say never because he sometimes does and when he does it is just fantastic. It's everything I had wanted to hear for a while but I guess it just wasn't ready to come out yet. I feel lost without him around. He's currently in Okeene watching his youngest brother play football while I'm here at the house about to finish removing the last bit of grout in the shower. I know you shouldn't pin all of your happiness on a person let alone only one, but he does make me happy. I'm pretty happy without him around but I'm the happiest with him near. I can't wait to be his for forever and I'm pretty sure that even then it won't be enough...