Failing

My 10 year class reunion is quickly approaching and so it made me want to reminisce. I pulled out my old letter jacket as well as all of my graduation gowns. If you were to look at all of these things it looks like I have accomplished a lot and it would appear that I was good at everything I did. I excelled in band, did pretty well in academics (graduated with honors), and I knew how to work hard. College wasn't quite so easy but I still earned my accounting degree from the best accounting school in the state. I then went on and earned my Masters degree where I didn't make straight A's but I did finish with above a 3.5 GPA all while working a full-time job. It would appear that I am a smart person. I used to think that too until I started trying to pass the exams to become a CPA. I have never failed at anything in my life. So whenever I keep getting these failing scores it makes me feel completely and totally stupid. I'm not very good at feeling that way. I have been on this journey for almost 2 years now and still have not passed a single section. I came within 5 points of passing one but that doesn't count. I just wonder if I am cut out to be a CPA or if I should just give up. I've never given up on anything...ever. I just wish I had a crystal ball so I could look into the future to see how long it takes (if ever) for me to pass this stupid exam.

Who would have thought?

A couple of weeks ago I posted a picture on facebook that simply said "If I died tomorrow what is one thing that you would always remember about me?"

I was overwhelmed with the few comments that people left. I didn't care that a ton of people didn't comment on it. The few that did left some very heartfelt responses and a couple of them just made me laugh (which a person could always use no matter what). One in particular caught me off guard. A girl, who is a friend of my sister's, left  a comment on how driven I am and how she looks up to me for that.

I've never thought of myself as driven. I just saw myself doing the things that I needed to do to provide me and my future family with the life that I thought we would deserve. Now, looking back, I guess I kind of am. I strove to do my best in school, even before I graduated high school.
I worked to do my best when it came to music too. College, well I'm not really proud of how I did in college. With that being said I should be damn proud because not too many people can work full-time and go to school full-time and not make it out a little battered and scarred. Then, I went on to get my masters while working my first "grown-up" job after college. Yet again, here I was going to school full-time but the college work was just part-time but man did it take up any free time that I thought I would have! Now, I've been working on passing my CPA exam for over a year and I won't let it beat me...not yet.

So I guess I am driven. Driven by the thought of having a better life than what anyone would have ever thought I would have. I was told multiple times growing up that I wouldn't amount to anything. Well, who looks like the idiot now??

Ten on Tuesday

1.  The holidays are quickly approaching and I'm finding it hard to be excited about them. They just won't be the same this year without Mimi there...especially since my mother is just deciding to skip them.

2.  I'm not a huge fan of the cold and can't wait for summer to come back again.

3.  Potato soup makes cold wintery nights more bearable.

4.  I never thought that I would have a job where there is absolutely nothing to do for 2 months but I'm sure we'll make up for it come February.

5.  Andrew thinks my cat had a nightmare the other night...and he didn't comfort her.

6.  I really wish I could begin learning how to quilt but those dang CPA exams keep getting in the way!

7.  I wish I also had more time (and more counter space) to learn more baking things.

8.  I think we're finally going to get moving on renovating one of the bedrooms!!

9.  Have I mentioned yet that I don't like the cold??

10.  I really need to find some black thread and my sewing needles so I can sew some buttons back onto my wool coats.

Change

I am hard headed.

I have been told this my entire life. I have been taught to stand up for what I believe in. For some reason, whenever I do actually stand up for something in regards to my family I come out the bad guy. I decided to not be in my sisters wedding. It's her 4th marriage (yes...marriage #4 and she's about to be 33). I think that she is making a mockery out of the entire marriage institute. A marriage can't be built on a foundation that if one cheats on the other then the other must get back at the original cheater by cheating on them. A marriage also shouldn't start as "I don't have anything to lose!" when someone asks the new bride-to-be if she were going to answer "yes" to the proposal.

My oldest sister is only my half-sister. We share a mother (that I cannot stand) and that is where our similarities stop. She is a twice convicted felon, has 4 children (one of which she has not seen in several years because the father doesn't want her to), she has no high hopes for any of the children (she guesses her oldest daughter will be knocked up by the time she finishes high school and her oldest son will end up in prison), she has no job, and got her GED while incarcerated so that she may then be released early. I have no children, have never been married, got my bachelors in accounting and my masters in business administration, am currently in a long term relationship, and am trying to earn my CPA license. How much more opposite can a person get??

I had sent her a text stating that I couldn't be in her wedding and I have not heard a single word from her. She, of course, called my other sister and our mother. I was given the message from her that she never wanted to speak to me or hear from me again and that I better not show up at her wedding.

Part of this bothers me and the other part doesn't. It was never my intention to divide our family but then again I'm not the least bit surprised. The only person I would ever really care to spend time with would by my dad. I guess this bothers me because I know that I will never be able to go over to my parent's house to see my dad. I'll never know if the oldest sister will be there and my mother thinks that I'm basically the worst person ever and that the oldest sister is perfect. All I want to do is be able to spend time with my dad. I don't care if everyone else in my family hates me or not.

I don't surround myself with people who just want to bring me down. I have been brought down my entire life and I refuse for that to happen any longer. It's time to make a change. If that means that I start cutting out members of my family then I guess that's what will have to happen. I was raised to believe that family would be there for you through anything. Well, I have learned that is a line of bull and it may be true for some members of my family but not for all.

And so it continues...

I know I tend to kind of post about the same things but that's just kind of how my life has been lately...always the same and never changing.

Lately I have been conflicted. I have been having to face demons of my past that are beginning to want to be released. Most of my issues deal with my mother and my oldest sister. It's safe to say that I despise them both. A mother is not suppose to tell their child that they are worthless and will amount to nothing. A sister is not suppose to make you sneak out of the house with her so she can go hook up with some guy that lived next door or chase you around with a butcher knife that eventually gets held against your throat.

I did not have an ideal childhood to say the least.

I have done everything in my power to prove my own mother wrong about me. I graduated high school in the top 25% of my class with honors. I graduated from a college that has the best accounting school in the state. I even went on to finish my masters in business with above a 3.5 GPA. I have stood on my own two feet, while not always succeeding, but I always paid every dime back that I borrowed. I have held a full-time job that I am awesome at for over 5 years and am currently studying for the CPA. Yet somehow it is still not good enough.

I do not know if I should just accept the fact that my mother would much rather have her oldest daughter (who is the most screwed up) be the highlight of her parenting career or attempt to mend a relationship that is way past the mending stage. My mother did nothing to help shape me into who I am today. Well, that's a lie. She taught me how to not take crap from anyone and to speak my mind. Some things that I learned from her without her knowing is how not to treat people. How not to raise a child. How not to be as a person in general.

I have fought for everything that I have in my life and it is just frustrating to know that some will just continue to have things handed to them and never have to work for anything their entire lives. It is frustrating...but it is what it is I suppose...

Insecurites

I will go on the record and say that I'm not as smart as I once thought that I was. Maybe I went into the wrong profession. Maybe I'm not meant to be a CPA. I study and study and study and I just don't care. I don't comprehend what it is that I'm reading or why they treat it the way that they do. I used to think I was pretty damn smart...then I entered my senior year and bit off more than I could chew and the disappointments just kept coming from there. I had a pretty crappy GPA (something I never had to worry about before college). I now have loans to repay and I don't make a big enough salary to pay for and live comfortably. I have a boyfriend that won't commit while everyone and their mother I know is either getting married or starting a family. I will be 28 soon and have none of that coming my way. People tell me that I can achieve bigger things but I always hear my mother in the back of my head telling me that I won't amount to anything. How can you get around that? I have never had words of encouragement from my family and when my co-workers do give me encouragement I just flat out don't believe them.

June 3, 2004

I can't believe that eight and a half years ago I started a journey that would take the twists and turns that it did. I had never imagined that I would love someone for this long and for as much as I do. It may not have always been the easiest road, but it was the only road we could take. A couple of times we parted ways. We used this time to learn about ourselves...and to grow up. We still have some work to do but thankfully we will get to do that together.

I don't know if he knows exactly how much I love him...how much I need him in my life. We may not always see eye to eye, but I know he will support me through anything. He may have some mood swings but he is the rock that my life depends on. He keeps me grounded when my dreams start to fly too high. He keeps me focused when my mind starts to stray from what it needs to do to help me succeed in my career. He just makes me a better person and helps me see the person that I want to be.

Eight and a half years ago I begun a journey with a man who has since become my best friend. He is the person that I want to grow old with. The person I want to sit on the front porch watching the sun sink below the horizon with. He is the person that will be the reason for any wrinkles around my eyes from laughing too much. He is the person that will make sure I live life to the fullest because tomorrow is never promised.