*Alert* Ranting Ahead

Some things have really been bothering me lately. My job is a constant stress here lately, things aren't going exactly my way in my personal life, and I still hate paying my student loans every month. Some of these I have to deal with, mainly my student loans, they aren't going away any time soon. My personal life is also something that I just have to deal with. I can't really change it so I'm just stuck for now but I think that change will be coming soon. Work has just been horrible. I think we finally got year-end closed and that would normally mean a lot of great things for me...like I wouldn't be stressed...but then the AP girl decided to take a different job. So now that means that I get to help train the new girl (who has no experience but a lot of potential) after the current AP girl leaves. Fun! I don't think they realize how much extra stress they have added to my life because apparently getting your masters isn't enough. I've said many things to my boss and he doesn't seem to care, probably because he's under the same stress...just like everyone else. Oh well...I guess I just have hope that it will all get better some day. Until then I can just pretend that I'm here:

Blessed

Those who know me know that I haven't been truly happy in quite some time. I'm not really sure why, I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a job, a roof over my head (even if my parents'), I can afford to buy groceries, and I'm working on a higher education. But, for some reason, it doesn't make me happy. I know I need to be happy with myself first before I can truly be happy and I'm slowly but surely working on that. One thing is for certain, I have the greatest friends. Granted, they don't live very close although one is at least now in the same state now instead of a completely different country! I wish I lived closer to both of them and that I could see them more. They always bring a smile to my face and can always make me laugh no matter what. They help me get through the craziness in my day even though they have no idea that they do. I know that these two ladies will be there always and knowing that makes me happy.

Relationships

Maybe I'm too young to really get relationships still. Andrew and I split up in June and he decided this month that it was the biggest mistake he's ever made. He doesn't know that I've met someone who is completely fantastic. I don't want to tell him because I know it will hurt him pretty badly. My family has been trying to pressure me into getting back with him despite my objections. He's broken my heart twice and people seem to think that I loved him that much that I could just look over it...but I can't. I loved him with all of my heart...that I can never deny. But after he called it quits in June, I'll admit...I was devastated. I had no idea how I was going to pick up the pieces and start fresh after 6 years. This may be sad, but it really wasn't that hard to do. Maybe my heart's trying to tell me something...maybe it's not ready to love again. Derek listens to my problems and lets me have the truth. He even tells me things that most girls would never want to hear, but I appreciate openness and honesty. I don't want to hurt Andrew anymore than I already have in the past but I'm not ready to face that chapter again...not yet anyway. I guess I'll just take it day by day and see what each of them brings.

New Beginnings

I never thought that I would say this...but I'm ready to move on. I've met someone who is just fantastic and seems to know how to treat a girl. I deserve better than Andrew. I can't keep thinking that he'll change. I gave him a chance twice and I got the same result. So, I need to move on and that's what I'm going to do. I've had plenty of time to think and make peace with myself for the most part. I still have some skeletons in my closet to deal with but that just comes from being insecure. I'm as happy as I can be with my current situation. I know that if I didn't live with my parents I would be perfectly content. So I want to share my happiness with someone. But for now, I'll just take it one step at a time and enjoy every second of it!

Going Back to Basics

So, here for a while I have been going through some crazy stuff. I've hurt many people but have also been hurt in return. I know that everything that I have done is not always right. Actually, it's pretty far from being right. I feel like I have been just pushed off of a cliff and I'm just falling. I've been falling for over 2 years now. People have tried to help me along the way, but I'm just too far gone to be helped I suppose. Everything that used to make me happy was based all around one person. So what makes me happy now? Crap if I know. I need to find my inner strength. That one thing that I could always lean on when no one was around to help. I did that since I was 15, surely I can do it 10 years later. Wow. 10 years ago my mom left. That seems like such a long time ago. 10 years ago Andrew's mom also passed away. A lot can happen in 10 years. A person can loved and lost, been broken down and lifted up, and met some of the greatest people in their life and they are gone now.

I have a problem, I admit it. I hurt people without knowing it. Or maybe I'm just so oblivious and so focused on myself that I just don't care. Maybe I'm trying to cover up the hurt and pain that I have endured by making other people suffer through the same. All that I know is that it needs to stop. I need to stop and enjoy life, even if it is alone currently. I need to learn how to deal with my demons and my past life choices before I can accept the Lisa that I currently am. I need to accept the Lisa that I currently am or else I'll just go through life constantly hurting people who don't deserve and just wander aimlessly through life without ever being happy.

So this is it, I'm going back to basics...just like my idol Christina Aguilera did. I think I'm ready to face it and I really do want to understand.

Things are looking up!!

So, after some events this weekend, life may not be so bad. Granted, I have no idea where these events will lead me...but I'm sure it will be great either way. I'm ready to move on...I'm ready to have FUN!!! Granted, things may not be perfect currently...but it will suffice.

One Night...

I really hate/love looking through old pictures. I love them because they remind me of all of the things that I have done or gone through that I may have otherwise forgotten about. They also remind me of all of the change that has happened since that picture was taken. I actually went through all of the pictures on my external hard drive and it was nice to walk down memory lane. I found pictures from my first year of college, man did I look young and skinny!!! I also found pictures of Andrew and I and you could really tell even from the pictures that we were truly in love. It was nice to be reminded of that. Granted, that really doesn't help my current situation, but it was nice to be reminded of the love that I use to have and I know never to settle for less. It's just really hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that he and I are done for good. I just really don't want to believe it because if just doesn't feel right. My brother-in-law even admits that I bring out something different in him, Andrew, not my brother-in-law. I make him more talkative and more outgoing. In short, I bring out the best in him. It just ticks me off that he doesn't see that himself. He only focuses on the negative and I just don't know if I can handle that or not. Not like I really have a choice currently.