Damn you CPA exam!

Two and a half years ago I had a bright idea to become a CPA. I guess it was longer than that because I did go back and get my masters to bring me up to the 150 hour requirement but whatever. Not once did anyone ever tell me that it would be easy. I assumed it would be. Never assume anything. In high school I thought I was pretty damn smart. I thought that would hold true when I went to college. WRONG. I may have been pretty smart if I hadn't gone to a pretty big school but that was not the case. I met and became friends with people who graduated at the top of their class from some pretty big high schools. I also struggled a lot in my classes for my degree. If it's truly what you're meant to do should it be a struggle? I know they say that things worth having don't come easy well then becoming a CPA better be the best damn thing that has ever happened to me because it has been a horrible, difficult, almost soul shattering experience! I keep taking the exams and getting pretty close on some. Close but no cigar. It's beyond frustrating and I just want to have it done and over with already. I guess Wednesday brings either great news or more horrible news yet again. We shall see...

Failing

My 10 year class reunion is quickly approaching and so it made me want to reminisce. I pulled out my old letter jacket as well as all of my graduation gowns. If you were to look at all of these things it looks like I have accomplished a lot and it would appear that I was good at everything I did. I excelled in band, did pretty well in academics (graduated with honors), and I knew how to work hard. College wasn't quite so easy but I still earned my accounting degree from the best accounting school in the state. I then went on and earned my Masters degree where I didn't make straight A's but I did finish with above a 3.5 GPA all while working a full-time job. It would appear that I am a smart person. I used to think that too until I started trying to pass the exams to become a CPA. I have never failed at anything in my life. So whenever I keep getting these failing scores it makes me feel completely and totally stupid. I'm not very good at feeling that way. I have been on this journey for almost 2 years now and still have not passed a single section. I came within 5 points of passing one but that doesn't count. I just wonder if I am cut out to be a CPA or if I should just give up. I've never given up on anything...ever. I just wish I had a crystal ball so I could look into the future to see how long it takes (if ever) for me to pass this stupid exam.

Who would have thought?

A couple of weeks ago I posted a picture on facebook that simply said "If I died tomorrow what is one thing that you would always remember about me?"

I was overwhelmed with the few comments that people left. I didn't care that a ton of people didn't comment on it. The few that did left some very heartfelt responses and a couple of them just made me laugh (which a person could always use no matter what). One in particular caught me off guard. A girl, who is a friend of my sister's, left  a comment on how driven I am and how she looks up to me for that.

I've never thought of myself as driven. I just saw myself doing the things that I needed to do to provide me and my future family with the life that I thought we would deserve. Now, looking back, I guess I kind of am. I strove to do my best in school, even before I graduated high school.
I worked to do my best when it came to music too. College, well I'm not really proud of how I did in college. With that being said I should be damn proud because not too many people can work full-time and go to school full-time and not make it out a little battered and scarred. Then, I went on to get my masters while working my first "grown-up" job after college. Yet again, here I was going to school full-time but the college work was just part-time but man did it take up any free time that I thought I would have! Now, I've been working on passing my CPA exam for over a year and I won't let it beat me...not yet.

So I guess I am driven. Driven by the thought of having a better life than what anyone would have ever thought I would have. I was told multiple times growing up that I wouldn't amount to anything. Well, who looks like the idiot now??

Ten on Tuesday

1.  The holidays are quickly approaching and I'm finding it hard to be excited about them. They just won't be the same this year without Mimi there...especially since my mother is just deciding to skip them.

2.  I'm not a huge fan of the cold and can't wait for summer to come back again.

3.  Potato soup makes cold wintery nights more bearable.

4.  I never thought that I would have a job where there is absolutely nothing to do for 2 months but I'm sure we'll make up for it come February.

5.  Andrew thinks my cat had a nightmare the other night...and he didn't comfort her.

6.  I really wish I could begin learning how to quilt but those dang CPA exams keep getting in the way!

7.  I wish I also had more time (and more counter space) to learn more baking things.

8.  I think we're finally going to get moving on renovating one of the bedrooms!!

9.  Have I mentioned yet that I don't like the cold??

10.  I really need to find some black thread and my sewing needles so I can sew some buttons back onto my wool coats.

Change

I am hard headed.

I have been told this my entire life. I have been taught to stand up for what I believe in. For some reason, whenever I do actually stand up for something in regards to my family I come out the bad guy. I decided to not be in my sisters wedding. It's her 4th marriage (yes...marriage #4 and she's about to be 33). I think that she is making a mockery out of the entire marriage institute. A marriage can't be built on a foundation that if one cheats on the other then the other must get back at the original cheater by cheating on them. A marriage also shouldn't start as "I don't have anything to lose!" when someone asks the new bride-to-be if she were going to answer "yes" to the proposal.

My oldest sister is only my half-sister. We share a mother (that I cannot stand) and that is where our similarities stop. She is a twice convicted felon, has 4 children (one of which she has not seen in several years because the father doesn't want her to), she has no high hopes for any of the children (she guesses her oldest daughter will be knocked up by the time she finishes high school and her oldest son will end up in prison), she has no job, and got her GED while incarcerated so that she may then be released early. I have no children, have never been married, got my bachelors in accounting and my masters in business administration, am currently in a long term relationship, and am trying to earn my CPA license. How much more opposite can a person get??

I had sent her a text stating that I couldn't be in her wedding and I have not heard a single word from her. She, of course, called my other sister and our mother. I was given the message from her that she never wanted to speak to me or hear from me again and that I better not show up at her wedding.

Part of this bothers me and the other part doesn't. It was never my intention to divide our family but then again I'm not the least bit surprised. The only person I would ever really care to spend time with would by my dad. I guess this bothers me because I know that I will never be able to go over to my parent's house to see my dad. I'll never know if the oldest sister will be there and my mother thinks that I'm basically the worst person ever and that the oldest sister is perfect. All I want to do is be able to spend time with my dad. I don't care if everyone else in my family hates me or not.

I don't surround myself with people who just want to bring me down. I have been brought down my entire life and I refuse for that to happen any longer. It's time to make a change. If that means that I start cutting out members of my family then I guess that's what will have to happen. I was raised to believe that family would be there for you through anything. Well, I have learned that is a line of bull and it may be true for some members of my family but not for all.

And so it continues...

I know I tend to kind of post about the same things but that's just kind of how my life has been lately...always the same and never changing.

Lately I have been conflicted. I have been having to face demons of my past that are beginning to want to be released. Most of my issues deal with my mother and my oldest sister. It's safe to say that I despise them both. A mother is not suppose to tell their child that they are worthless and will amount to nothing. A sister is not suppose to make you sneak out of the house with her so she can go hook up with some guy that lived next door or chase you around with a butcher knife that eventually gets held against your throat.

I did not have an ideal childhood to say the least.

I have done everything in my power to prove my own mother wrong about me. I graduated high school in the top 25% of my class with honors. I graduated from a college that has the best accounting school in the state. I even went on to finish my masters in business with above a 3.5 GPA. I have stood on my own two feet, while not always succeeding, but I always paid every dime back that I borrowed. I have held a full-time job that I am awesome at for over 5 years and am currently studying for the CPA. Yet somehow it is still not good enough.

I do not know if I should just accept the fact that my mother would much rather have her oldest daughter (who is the most screwed up) be the highlight of her parenting career or attempt to mend a relationship that is way past the mending stage. My mother did nothing to help shape me into who I am today. Well, that's a lie. She taught me how to not take crap from anyone and to speak my mind. Some things that I learned from her without her knowing is how not to treat people. How not to raise a child. How not to be as a person in general.

I have fought for everything that I have in my life and it is just frustrating to know that some will just continue to have things handed to them and never have to work for anything their entire lives. It is frustrating...but it is what it is I suppose...

Insecurites

I will go on the record and say that I'm not as smart as I once thought that I was. Maybe I went into the wrong profession. Maybe I'm not meant to be a CPA. I study and study and study and I just don't care. I don't comprehend what it is that I'm reading or why they treat it the way that they do. I used to think I was pretty damn smart...then I entered my senior year and bit off more than I could chew and the disappointments just kept coming from there. I had a pretty crappy GPA (something I never had to worry about before college). I now have loans to repay and I don't make a big enough salary to pay for and live comfortably. I have a boyfriend that won't commit while everyone and their mother I know is either getting married or starting a family. I will be 28 soon and have none of that coming my way. People tell me that I can achieve bigger things but I always hear my mother in the back of my head telling me that I won't amount to anything. How can you get around that? I have never had words of encouragement from my family and when my co-workers do give me encouragement I just flat out don't believe them.

June 3, 2004

I can't believe that eight and a half years ago I started a journey that would take the twists and turns that it did. I had never imagined that I would love someone for this long and for as much as I do. It may not have always been the easiest road, but it was the only road we could take. A couple of times we parted ways. We used this time to learn about ourselves...and to grow up. We still have some work to do but thankfully we will get to do that together.

I don't know if he knows exactly how much I love him...how much I need him in my life. We may not always see eye to eye, but I know he will support me through anything. He may have some mood swings but he is the rock that my life depends on. He keeps me grounded when my dreams start to fly too high. He keeps me focused when my mind starts to stray from what it needs to do to help me succeed in my career. He just makes me a better person and helps me see the person that I want to be.

Eight and a half years ago I begun a journey with a man who has since become my best friend. He is the person that I want to grow old with. The person I want to sit on the front porch watching the sun sink below the horizon with. He is the person that will be the reason for any wrinkles around my eyes from laughing too much. He is the person that will make sure I live life to the fullest because tomorrow is never promised.

Past Decisions

After reading a friend's post the other day it got me to thinking about the choices I have made in my life. She was discussing her choice when it came to choosing a college. I wonder now if going to Oklahoma State was the right choice for myself. Should I have looked at options out of state? Would that have made a difference? My dad's family is from Louisiana so LSU would have been a pretty good choice. If I had gone to a different college would I have stayed with Andrew? Would I have a different career path? Would I have even come back to Oklahoma? There's just so many uncertainties. I suppose my choice will suffice. I love Oklahoma State more than anybody in my family will ever understand. I don't know why that is. Maybe it's because that's where I got my first start. The slate had been wiped clean and I was free to draw what I wanted to on it. I admit, I didn't do very well the first couple of years. I was what most would call a bitch and I cussed like a sailor, not exactly how I wanted to get off. I didn't know how to cope with being around such good people. I was raised in a household where everyone was out to prove you wrong or do better than you and later rub it in your face. You couldn't get past any mistake you had ever made and it was constantly thrown in your face. The people I met were absolutely fantastic and appeared to have grown up in stable, loving households. I guess I was quite jealous and lashed out at everyone. Then I met two ladies who loved me for who I was, flaws and all. I didn't have to pretend around them and they helped me start being the person I wanted to be. One I had met during my whole "screw everything" stage and somehow still stayed my friend, I don't know if that's how she wanted it to go, but she's stuck with me now! ;) If I had never gone to OSU then I would never be able to call them my best friends...I wouldn't even know they existed. They each add something a little different to my life even though we don't reside in the same state. I hope that I continue to learn from them and grow from what they teach me. They may not know it, but they influence me so much and I hope that one day I can do the same for them. They help me live orange and they are the fondest memories I have from my 4 years in Stillwater and I'll hold them close always.

Family

Sometimes I wonder how other people got so lucky to have a great family. How did I get dealt the crappy hand? I'm not saying that all of my family is horrible, I actually like a lot of them. I'm the youngest of 3 girls, the oldest being my half sister. Ever since she moved back to town, my middle sister and I have been treated like there's only one daughter in the family...and it isn't us. It's kind of sad and pathetic. I wish I had a relationship with both of my parents where they would call me up to see what I was doing or want me to go do something with them...but that isn't the case because the oldest sister is back in town. Oh sure, there's the excuse that the last 10 years have to be made up to her...but she chose to move away and get in trouble with the law...not us younger two. Then my mother is always putting everyone else down and making them out to be horrible people. Yes, I admit that you do have to watch what you say about some people but that's just some quirks that people have. I just don't get why people are always so negative. Life is too short for all of that! I guess I'll just have to put those feelings aside and focus on the future and how I can make my family better than what I have now.

Looking into the future....

Andrew continues to amazes me every single day. I never realized how selfless he is. We were discussing our futures the other night and him going back to school. He told me that what drives him right now is that he wants to be able to provide a great life for his children. I never really thought about it that way before. Why am I working so hard to get my CPA? To get a better job with better pay so I can pay my student loans off faster and make life easier. But that seems pretty selfish. But, maybe, paying my student loans off faster will just allow me to then put that money that I was paying to another account to help setup a college savings account for any children I may have. Looking at it that way, it doesn't seem so selfish. I just think that it's sad that Andrew had to point out, without meaning to, that I was being selfish and I need to realize that there are things out there more important than myself...even if they don't exist as of yet.

Oklahoma Sky

I received Miranda Lambert's new album this past week and I absolutely love it!! I especially love the song "Oklahoma Sky" and "Safe" but I'm only going to post the lyrics to "Oklahoma Sky". So, if you haven't heard it you should...like...now...go!

How long has it taken me to find you
Five hundred years, five hundred thousand miles
It don't matter now, love's always on time
Meet me underneath the Oklahoma sky
Lightening flash, everything went silent
A feather could have knocked me to the floor
Missing piece was found, I was finally alive
Meet me underneath the Oklahoma sky
With the speed of sound I am homeward bound
All our sorrows swept away forever
Each and every tear washed out to sea
There ain't no goodbye with your hand in mine
Meet me underneath the Oklahoma sky
Oklahoma sky

Lonely Thoughts

I really don't like it when Andrew isn't here because this house grows very quiet and it feels like the walls are closing in around me. I'm used to this feeling though because that's how I felt when I lived by myself for 2 years in Stillwater...I now remember why that was a bad idea. I was walking down memory lane by going through some notes that I had written and posted on facebook. There is one in particular that caused quite a stir in my family. I didn't attack my family in any way, but reading back through it I can see why they may have taken it that way. It makes me wonder, however, why they would feel attacked by a simple sentence. Did it bring up their own personal shortcomings that they have tried to hide? Are they jealous because of the things that I have done? Or are they just ready to stir up trouble at the slightest little thing? These questions will never be answered and I'm ok with that. I guess it will just leave me wondering. It's very apparent that I'm not like my family, especially when we are all gathered together. I don't socialize with anyone and pretty much keep to myself. Granted, that could be taken as that I think I am too good for everyone now, but that isn't the case. I just don't have anything to say to them. I have always been in the middle of the gap of the older people in my family and the younger, so I'm really not on the same level as anyone in my family...especially since I don't have kids and I'm not married. I guess I just wish that people in my family would realize and accept the fact that I'm different and I wouldn't be me if it were any other way.

Lost

While I sit here by myself in a quiet house, my mind wanders. I worry about the future and what it may bring. I worry about the past and if it will continue to haunt me. I want to believe that I am good enough for someone to love...but I've started to have my doubts. I love Andrew with all of my heart and I think he does too. That's one thing I can't stand about him, he never speaks his feelings. Well, I shouldn't say never because he sometimes does and when he does it is just fantastic. It's everything I had wanted to hear for a while but I guess it just wasn't ready to come out yet. I feel lost without him around. He's currently in Okeene watching his youngest brother play football while I'm here at the house about to finish removing the last bit of grout in the shower. I know you shouldn't pin all of your happiness on a person let alone only one, but he does make me happy. I'm pretty happy without him around but I'm the happiest with him near. I can't wait to be his for forever and I'm pretty sure that even then it won't be enough...

Busy Day!

Well, my day started at 5:45 this morning because I thought that it would be a good idea to participate in a 5k run. I had only been training for about 3 weeks and wasn't really sure what to expect. I finished 51st out of the women (not really sure about overall) and my time was 37:25. I didn't think that it was very bad at all! Of course, when I told my sister about it she said that it was a horrible time...but she always likes to bring people down when she's jealous of them...and I'm also one to take things to heart and let it bother me. However, I have decided that I don't care what she says! I participated in my first 5k run and finished under 40 minutes and had my face turn as red as a lobster because I was so hot...and I enjoyed it!! Maybe not during, but looking back on it it wasn't so bad!

I also volunteered at a benefit for 2 boys around the Enid area who were in an accident with a grain auger. They have both lost a leg and are only 17 years old and seniors at their high schools. One of them attends Chisholm, which is where I went to school my entire life. I wanted to volunteer because my class had a terrible accident occur and it cost my classmate his life along with two innocent men. I didn't do it because I wanted people to see me doing something, or for status or respect. I did it because Cory touched my life when he died. I may not have been his best friend, but we grew up together in school. I would like to think that he looked down on Katie and I tonight and saw that because of him, we were reaching out to two kids we have never met. I don't want people to remember Cory as dying because he was driving drunk, he died to make others see how fragile life is. I know that the money we raised will help out Tyler & Bryce and their families. It won't, however, bring their legs back. I hope that they can find the strength to carry on and live their lives to the fullest...because God obviously didn't want to take them just yet.

New things!

So, here lately I've been pretty bummed out about work and school and such. I finally realized that I shouldn't worry about any of that crap! I just need to focus on today and well maybe the week ahead. I think my mood is due to new music that has come out (I really LOVE music!) and I can't wait for entire CD's to come out and not just singles. I really especially love Miranda Lambert...maybe it's because she has new ways of getting in your face with her lyrics and has the guts to say things that no one else will. Case in point are the lyrics for her new single "Baggage Claim":

I have been draggin' around your sensitive ego
Making sure that your bags arrive on time for the dog and pony show
Little suitcase like a brick,
Kinda makes it hard to get a good grip
I drop your troubles off at the conveyor belt,
I'll hand you a ticket to go get it yourself

At the baggage claim, you got a lot of luggage in your name
When you hit the ground, check the lost and found
'Cause it ain't my problem now
I can't carry it on, I've got a lot of troubles all my own
It's all over the yard, in the trunk of the car,
I'm packin' it in so come and get it.

If it ain't obvious what has set me off today,
Behind every woman scorned is a man who made her that way
Go on take your little buisness trip with that sweet little habit
That you can't kick
You better call your momma when you get to town because I won't be hangin' around

At the baggage claim, you got a lot of luggage in your name
When you hit the gorund, check the lost and found
Because it ain't my problem now
I can't carry it on, I've got a lot of trobules of my own
It's all over the yard, in the trunk of the car,
I'm packin' it in so come and get it

Come and get it!

Come and pick it up, pick it up
Before I blow it up in flames
Pick it up, pick it up,
Baby, I'm leaving everything...

At the baggage claim, you got a lot of luggage in your name
When you hit the gorund, check the lost and found
Because it ain't my problem now
I can't carry it on, I've got a lot of troubles of my own
It's all over the yard, in the trunk of the car,
I'm packin' it in so come and get it!

Come and get it your shit.

Now this has no relevance in my personal life, but it has a great beat and I just really love it!

Wonderments...

So, there has been a lot on my mind here lately. I'm just not really sure where my life is going and it really bothers me. I want to get my life started but it seems as though there is always school lurking around the corner. Hopefully I'll be done after these next 3 courses that I have to take...but then I'll have to study for the CPA exam. I wonder if it will really be worth it. I really want to get into public accounting but there really isn't much offered around where I live.

I also wonder where my personal life is headed. Andrew and I started dating over 7 years ago and we have been through a lot. We have went our separate ways on two different occasions, but I really wouldn't change those experiences. Well, maybe a few details about them but then things probably wouldn't have turned out the way that they have. Those times apart made me learn a lot about myself and it seems like it did the same for Andrew as well.

I thought that you grew up in college and learned who you were, but that wasn't the case for me. I think the reason why most people grow up in college is because they learn how to take care of themselves, but I had already been doing that since I was 15. I learned how to take care of myself a lot younger than most of the people around me and I guess college was tough for me because I had never really been around people that seemed to have normal lives. I guess I was kind of jealous and I let that get the best of me, which is why I went off on several of my roommates my sophomore year. That's when I decided that it were probably best that I just live by myself. That probably wasn't the best choice because I pretty much alienated myself from some really great people.

Well, I can't go back and change that now. It turns out that I had to grow up after college and I hate to say it, but I still have no idea what I'm doing with my life! I have started to come to terms that my life was anything but normal or typical and that's what makes me who I am. I have also started to build my self-esteem and that's always good for someone who it 26! I still can't believe that I'm 4 years away from 30, but yeah, I can't change that either! I guess I just have to remember to take one day at a time and to not worry about what the future holds because it will all unfold in its own time...

School

While Andrew was picking some things up in the living room it got me in the cleaning mood also. So, I was going through some things and realized that I hadn't ordered my graduation pictures yet! So I started ransacking the place trying to find my order form, which was in my laptop bag and today was the last day to order! Me thinking about school also made me realize what my mother keeps telling everyone...

She says that my degree from OSU means more than my one from SWOSU. Now I understand that without the OSU degree then my SWOSU one wouldn't have been possible. But how do you justify that one is more important than the other? Her response: Well, you worked 4 long-hard years at OSU to get that degree. Um...hello! I worked 2 long-hard years for SWOSU! Granted, a lot of my classes were online or ITV but I still had to do the course work and study and take the tests. I also worked a real full-time job while doing so.

I just wonder if that is how people will see it. Just because I got one degree from a very large and honorable college that it means more than the higher degree from a lesser school.

Here's a little secret. I got my accounting degree from the top accounting program in the state. I got my masters without accumulating anymore debt and it will also help me meet the requirements for the CPA exam. So, when it comes down to it, I got my foundation from the best and used the other as a stepping stool to something greater. Just because I didn't obtain my masters degree from OSU, OU, or Tulsa does not make it any less of an honor. I still put in the time and money to earn both of my degrees and I'm the first person in my family to do it. So, maybe that's why they don't understand completely...because they just have no idea.

Past Demons

I'll be the first to admit that I am not perfect and that I have made mistakes. I've never denied that and never will. I have faced my mistakes and dealt with them the best way that I can and in the end there is only one person that I have to answer to when it is all said and done. So why then is it that people always have to bring them up? Is it so that they feel better about themselves? Does it help them feel better about their mistakes? Or is it their way of forgetting their past mistakes? People can say all that they want to about how or why Andrew and I split up the first time; he and I have dealt with it. Granted, it took us almost 2 years but we're wiser, smarter, and stronger than we were before. In the end, he and I both had a lot of growing up to do. I had to pay for my mistake when he and I got back together and had to live with the guilt for almost a year. Do you know what it's like to be with someone who doesn't even want to touch you? It makes you feel like the smallest, dirtiest thing on earth. I never wish that upon anyone. But he got his payback when he left me after that for "someone else". I knew deep down that he and I were meant for each other, it took him letting me go to figure that out.

My mom told me that I had changed a lot in the last 2 years. I just seemed more grown-up to her. She really couldn't pin point what was different about me, just that I was growing up. I can see how I've changed. My heart has become harder, I'm not as happy-go-lucky as I used to be, and I am my own worst enemy. I hope that no couple has to go thru what Andrew and I did, but I know that will never be the case. I always see these happy couples, but I wonder how they really are behind closed doors. I wonder if the way things are with Andrew and are normal. I love him with all of my heart and couldn't imagine my life without him again. I was miserable. I was always thinking about him and wishing that I was in his arms. But I would also like to think that he and I are stronger as a couple now. I think the only thing that could drive us apart would be his dad…again.

I understand that his dad is really all of the family that he has left, but he has to learn how to think for himself and defending me would be pretty nice too. I really just wanted to stand up to his dad and put him in his place, but I don't know how that would set with Andrew. I just don't take people attacking my family very well at all. I've also never stood up to a grownup before, it can be pretty intimidating! I guess I could just chalk it up to him being a bitter man who thinks that women were put on the earth to serve which, sadly, isn't too far from the truth.

Just needed to get some things off of my chest...

I hate to just have a rant-type post but sometimes it feels so much better by just putting it all out there. Sometimes I stick my nose in places it doesn't belong but I guess I just want to help those around me because I didn't get much help myself growing up. If people take that the wrong way then fine, but don't act like a child about it. I guess my problem is that I care too much and about too many people. If they want to screw their lives up then so be it I suppose. I've been trying to just focus on my life and about the people closest to me, but when I see someone going down the wrong path I want to help them. I guess I just need to say "screw it" and carry on...