New Beginnings

I never thought that I would say this...but I'm ready to move on. I've met someone who is just fantastic and seems to know how to treat a girl. I deserve better than Andrew. I can't keep thinking that he'll change. I gave him a chance twice and I got the same result. So, I need to move on and that's what I'm going to do. I've had plenty of time to think and make peace with myself for the most part. I still have some skeletons in my closet to deal with but that just comes from being insecure. I'm as happy as I can be with my current situation. I know that if I didn't live with my parents I would be perfectly content. So I want to share my happiness with someone. But for now, I'll just take it one step at a time and enjoy every second of it!

Going Back to Basics

So, here for a while I have been going through some crazy stuff. I've hurt many people but have also been hurt in return. I know that everything that I have done is not always right. Actually, it's pretty far from being right. I feel like I have been just pushed off of a cliff and I'm just falling. I've been falling for over 2 years now. People have tried to help me along the way, but I'm just too far gone to be helped I suppose. Everything that used to make me happy was based all around one person. So what makes me happy now? Crap if I know. I need to find my inner strength. That one thing that I could always lean on when no one was around to help. I did that since I was 15, surely I can do it 10 years later. Wow. 10 years ago my mom left. That seems like such a long time ago. 10 years ago Andrew's mom also passed away. A lot can happen in 10 years. A person can loved and lost, been broken down and lifted up, and met some of the greatest people in their life and they are gone now.

I have a problem, I admit it. I hurt people without knowing it. Or maybe I'm just so oblivious and so focused on myself that I just don't care. Maybe I'm trying to cover up the hurt and pain that I have endured by making other people suffer through the same. All that I know is that it needs to stop. I need to stop and enjoy life, even if it is alone currently. I need to learn how to deal with my demons and my past life choices before I can accept the Lisa that I currently am. I need to accept the Lisa that I currently am or else I'll just go through life constantly hurting people who don't deserve and just wander aimlessly through life without ever being happy.

So this is it, I'm going back to basics...just like my idol Christina Aguilera did. I think I'm ready to face it and I really do want to understand.

Things are looking up!!

So, after some events this weekend, life may not be so bad. Granted, I have no idea where these events will lead me...but I'm sure it will be great either way. I'm ready to move on...I'm ready to have FUN!!! Granted, things may not be perfect currently...but it will suffice.

One Night...

I really hate/love looking through old pictures. I love them because they remind me of all of the things that I have done or gone through that I may have otherwise forgotten about. They also remind me of all of the change that has happened since that picture was taken. I actually went through all of the pictures on my external hard drive and it was nice to walk down memory lane. I found pictures from my first year of college, man did I look young and skinny!!! I also found pictures of Andrew and I and you could really tell even from the pictures that we were truly in love. It was nice to be reminded of that. Granted, that really doesn't help my current situation, but it was nice to be reminded of the love that I use to have and I know never to settle for less. It's just really hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that he and I are done for good. I just really don't want to believe it because if just doesn't feel right. My brother-in-law even admits that I bring out something different in him, Andrew, not my brother-in-law. I make him more talkative and more outgoing. In short, I bring out the best in him. It just ticks me off that he doesn't see that himself. He only focuses on the negative and I just don't know if I can handle that or not. Not like I really have a choice currently.

Mysteries

I really should be heading to bed but I just can't seem to clear my head...so I head to the blog...

Sometimes I wish that my life were different. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have been in a serious relationship...mainly while I was in college. I feel like I missed out on so much and I poured my heart and soul into something for nothing. It then gets better by me moving back to my hometown (which I never wanted to return to anyway) and then my boyfriend leaves me...freaking fantastic. He then has the balls to say that I didn't do anything for him! I gave up my freaking dreams for him!!!! But no, I didn't do jack crap. Gah!

I really wish that I were better off financially...that I could move out on my own...that would be great. Oh sure, it's great now at my parent's house...only when they're not here. But then there's still the problem that it's they're house. I can't rearrange furniture the way I like. I can't decorate the way I want to. Hell, I can't even use my own dishes! It's just frustrating sometimes...but I guess I just have to suck it up and deal with it like a grown person.

I finally put some pictures on my new laptop...so I guess I'll share a few...

Laura and I at her graduation!!

Carrie, seriously the best friend a girl could have...

My niece and nephews...they each have a piece of my heart...

Life

So, I just got off the phone with Andrew. He's going to be bringing my dresser back to me and getting his key back. I know I should have known this was coming, but I'm still not ready for it. I don't want to give up on a 6 year relationship. I had always thought that he and I would be together forever. I mean hell, he had even proposed to me at one point. It's just hard for me I guess because he sends so many mixed signals. He says that he wants me out of his life, but then he asks me to go do stuff with him. I just don't get it.

On a different note, I got internet hooked up at my parents house today!! This means that I don't have to rely on anyone anymore and I can do my homework in peace. That is going to be so great. I really wish that I were done with school though. I hate not having all of my spare time. Granted, I have no idea what I would do with my spare time now that I'm not in a relationship any longer, but I guess it is something that I would just deal with, huh?

Stuff...

So, things have been really weird here lately. I can't really go into detail much here because I really don't want that out there in cyber space. I did finally break down and get me a new laptop though. There wasn't really anything wrong with the last one except for the fact that I was afraid I was going to break in two. Just so you know, it's not a very good idea to drop your laptop (with it open) and it lands on its side. It tends to crack the casing and makes you think that it will split any second! But, I really do love my new laptop...I haven't really been on the internet much with it since I don't have internet at home (I'm currently at my sisters because I had homework due). But so far...I love it a lot on here!


I know that I've said in the past that I don't mind being alone, but it's really not that great. It's especially not that great when you're used to having someone that you can call and go hang out with or something like that...and I had that for 6 years! It's just hard to adjust I guess...especially when your friends either don't live in the state or if they do, they're married or are about to get married or are in a very serious relationship. I don't want to feel like I'm interfering or like a 3rd wheel. I just wish I had a friend that I could call and hang out with and not have to worry about crap...like feelings or anything like that. I guess that's why girls should be friends with girls...because, let's face it, if they start to have feelings for you...you probably shouldn't be friends with them anyway...